Joke/Inspiration of the Day

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Kris replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 1:31 AM | Locked

Nana:
Mommy, Where do pumpkins come from?

Nana,

I love this one. Such creative minds out there.

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Kris replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 1:33 AM | Locked

Flojo:
I posted this on my blog, but it fits here much better. 

LOL Flojo that's funny. And they wonder why quilters have so many UFOs.

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Marsha-SM replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 11:36 AM | Locked

Flojo:

How to put batting on the Bottom Rail of a Quilting Frame

Flojo, I LOVE IT!  I can just picture the whole scenario!  It is enough for me to have all the threads from me and hay chaff and sawdust and wood chips from "the other half".  It's amazing how much work socks hold and how easily the trash stays behind on the floor.  Try picking chainsaw sawdust out of batting!  It is like trying to pull off burdocks or velcro and they are much smaller and more abundant!  I don't allow the cats in the house even though the "volunteer" cats that have been house trained then dropped off here want IN -- especially today with the SNOW! 

Marsha - Western New York

 

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Marsha-SM replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 11:42 AM | Locked

Nana:
Mommy, Where do pumpkins come from?

Nana,  Oh what memories!  My youngest turned 40 yesterday!  We can laugh now!  Where do you find such pictures?

Marsha - Western New York

 

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Nana replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 11:51 AM | Locked

Marsha

That one was on facebook and I just couldn't resist....LOL

Vinton, Virginia

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 4:25 PM | Locked

It's that time again. The DARWIN Awards are out. The annual honor is given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONESTLY! Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY!!!And the nominees were:

 

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

 

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

 

 Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

 

 

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc... After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

 

 

And Now, for the winner of this year's Darwin Award:

(As always, awarded posthumously): The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You just couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 4:28 PM | Locked

FloJo - you gotta love those little four legged helpers. 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

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Nana replied on Fri, Oct 28 2011 5:05 PM | Locked

Marge

As usual these are hilarious.

Vinton, Virginia

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Debbie-do replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 7:38 AM | Locked

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helloo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Southwest of San Antonio

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Sukochi replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 8:01 AM | Locked

Thanks, Debbie Do, you just gave DH and I our first belly laff of the day. Thanks.  ; }

Sukochi

 

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Flojo replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 10:38 AM | Locked

Marge (AKA Dimples):
The DARWIN Awards are out.
Marge (AKA Dimples):

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine \

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,.

 Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men 
 

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. 
 

 Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. 
 

 Semifinalist #5
 The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

 And Now, for the winner of this year's Darwin Award:

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

Oh MY Goodness!!!!!   Please note that most if not all  of these winners were male.  Their brains arn't fully grown until 25.  The National Geographis Magazine says so.  Apparently a few of these gentlemen were late bloomers!!!!!!!!  ROFLOL

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Lee replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 5:00 PM | Locked

Hope you don't mind, I shared this with my FB friends.

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Kris replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 8:36 PM | Locked

Marge (AKA Dimples):
The DARWIN Awards are out.

Marge,

we had a potential candidate come to the ED. He was badly hurt and we had to do full body scans on him. He had fallen off a ladder. This brilliant man was changing a lightbulb in his bedroom which has vaulted ceilings. He somehow thought it would be a good idea to put the ladder on his bed to give it more height. Needless to say the burnt out lightbulb is now the least of his worries.

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Karla replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 11:27 PM | Locked

I'm sure he didn't think it was very funny, but I can just picture that ladder on a bed...what was he thinking (or maybe not thinking)?

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abcd replied on Sat, Oct 29 2011 11:56 PM | Locked

Oh, Nana! It's like they say, a picture IS worth a thousand words!  :D

 

 

 

 

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