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Nana replied on Sat, Jun 1 2013 11:22 PM

Kris

If you only lived closer I think we could be close friends.  Even with the age difference I feel very close to you.  You are a sweet person and I love you.

Vinton, Virginia

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Patti replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 12:25 AM

Kris, you came to retreat, and as much as we all laugh, you know we are growing closer together as well. . 

Take a pie, divide it into 4 pieces.  They represent what happens in relationships.  Take a parent and child.  One piece of pie represents an area in their relationship where something is a problem for the parent and not for the child.  Like the parent has a problem with the kid's style of dress.  The kid is just fine with it.  2nd piece, represents something that is a problem for the kid but not the parent.  Like the kid has a problem with parent not letting him drive the car.  Parent sees no problem with this.  3rd piece, both parent and child have a problem.  Parent is upset about kid wanting a tattoo and kid is upset parent won't give permission for the tattoo.  4th piece.  No problem, kid and parent going to the beach together  which they both love.  What piece of pie brings the two closer?  It is the same in friendships, and in the making of friends.  Getting together and having fun, brings people closer together. It's where friendships start.  And it is the fun times together that make the relationships strong enough withstand the times when they are tough things or disagreements happen.  It's where we learn to value each other. 

I am so looking forward to retreat this year.

 

Patti

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Nana replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 12:46 AM

Patti

All I can say is amen sister.  You definitely have a way with words.  Excellent explanation of friendship.

 

Vinton, Virginia

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Debbie replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 6:19 AM

Nana:

Patti

All I can say is amen sister.  You definitely have a way with words.  Excellent explanation of friendship.

Patti, that is so profound, you are such a smart woman and have a very gracious way of stating things. 

Mary, I haven't met you or anyone on this site in person yet, but feel I could be good friends with any of you.  I understand what you are saying, my husband is retired military, as was my Dad and every time we moved it was make new friends.  finding someone who shares your interests isn't easy and even in a city the size of Oklahoma City, I don't have a best friend to speak of.  I have friends from work who we see outside of work, friends from church, but no best friend I could tell all my secrets to.  and several of those from work do quilt but we don't get together for quilting sessions.  

Like Sukochi said, keep praying and God will send you a friend.  As for church, sometimes if one congregation doesn't work you may have to try another.  I see of lot of little cliches(sp) in my church but I go to worship God and take from it what I need.  I do understand about feeling like you belong.  We were that way when we first began because we were too young for the grandparents, but had a grandchild and too old for those our age, because our children were all grown and their's were younger, at home still.  

But you know, friends can come from the strangers places and may not always be who or what you want them to be.  I think we may need to take a lesson from animals, there have been some pretty strange friendships there - saw a dog and elephant,  monkey and lion both recently in a magazine.  

It  will come, I'll be praying for you a friend and if others on here will pray, God will answer your prayer. 

 

"I'm just a poor soul who's intentions are good.   Oh, Lord, Please don't let me be misunderstood."

Debbie (dear1953)  

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Frances replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 7:58 AM

Mary,

I dont really have any advice, although in the past i have noticed when other people try to join different groups of people sometimes the group leader (sometimes there is one) can be the one who doesnt want other people in, I think its a control thing they have to feel like they are in charge.

Im a loner always have been always will be and although i found it harder when i was younger now i am very comfortable with it, but on here i find its great everyone tends to just except everyone rather than trying to pick fault with everyone, its the one place im glad i joined, I would never leave it and although i have one friend in person I have found on here i have some wonerful friends that i wouldnt trade for anything. In my younger days if people didnt like me i thought it was me and i would try and change, well know if people dont like me thats there choice and i dont try to change I can only be what i am, I cant be someone else. I try to be good, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, have faith and be positive it doesnt always work but then no one promised me it would be sunshine and roses all the time and like a log cabin quilt i need the dark and light, i need the dark to show off the light, good times and bad, maybe if i had good times all the time i wouldnt know they were good unless i had the bad to highlight the good.

Mary be who you are, and be proud of who you are, I know you will find someone to be a true friend.

lots of love

Francesxx

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Ginny replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 8:47 AM

Right on, Patti.   Your description is an ace.   I only wish that I could at some point come to a retreat on the west coast, but that is not in the cards for me,  so I just so enjoy my quilting friends on QCA.    Ginny

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Patti replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 8:59 AM

Frances:
In my younger days if people didnt like me i thought it was me and i would try and change, well know if people dont like me thats there choice and i dont try to change I can only be what i am, I cant be someone else.

I can relate to this.  When I was young I tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be.  Because I didn't think anyone would like me otherwise.  I remember distinctly how these thoughts began.  As a young child I found my and my sister's baby books.  Her's was filled with pictures and comments, mine had absolutely nothing but my name.  I didn't accept my mother's explanation that when I came along as the second child, she didn't have time.  Then I was also the youngest child in the neighborhood and the other kids would run off without me, once tricking me by tying me to a tree and taking off.  But age (and counseling) taught me to look back at the whole picture, and I can see that I was surrounded by love.  Still it wasn't until college when I was playing volley ball with friends on a picnic, that I fully realized that people liked me, for ME!  It was such a sudden full awareness.

There are still things that I don't get much response from.  I have learned to never host one of those sale parties, like tupperware, books, or kitchen or candle stuff.  I guess I just am not that excited about that sort of thing, and my lack of enthusiasm shows.  Ha, no one ever shows up!  I think I will stick with retreats. 

When in college, I read a short book with a very long title.  Why am I Afraid to tell you who I Am?  Because if I tell you who I am and you don't like me, I have nothing else.  That may not be the exact title, but you get the idea.  That sentiment was exactly what I was feeling at the time.  But not even I knew who I was.  It took time to discover what I wanted and liked. 

Then there was a poem by Virginia Satir.   I am me and I am OK.   I know that can be googled, but I will try and look it up. 

So many incidents shape who we are and what we believe.   And often those incidents happen before we are of an age when we can understand them, and be logical.   Feelings are often not logical.  Children have feelings before the ability to think logically.  And we accept what we feel, and what others may tell us as truth. Remember those silly mirrors that distort how you look?  Big heads, small bodies, or extra long legs, etc.  Many children are raised with these inner mirrors.  They are developed when the child hears comments like  "you will never amount to be anything, you're stupid"  And much much worse.  And so they grow up with a vision of themselves that is distorted.   For me it took counseling to see myself and my worth clearly.  I remember the story of my birth.  Both my mother and I were ill, and she did not see me until a week after I had been born, and her first thought was, "she is so ugly, I have to love her because no one else ever will."   Somehow that is the only part of the comment I heard, I didn't hear the rest of the story.

I truly was well loved. Yes there have been other negative incidents, but those were minor when the whole picture is seen.  But as I grew up, what I heard was the negative, and every negative comment or incident after that was proof that my belief was true.  I was like the juror who made a guilty judgement without all the evidence. 

Well, this is more than what I planned on writing.   But I hope sharing my thoughts can be helpful to others.  I know hearing from others who have had similar thoughts has helped me find, accept and love myself.

 

Patti

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Patti replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 9:04 AM

Here it is:


In all the world,
there is no one else exactly like me -
everything that comes out of me is authentically mine,
because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
whether they be to others or to myself -
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears -
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know -
but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me -
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which I feel is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded -
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me -
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me -
I am me &

I AM OKAY

by Virginia Satir

Patti

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Kris replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 11:38 AM

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Kris replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 11:41 AM

Nana:

Kris

If you only lived closer I think we could be close friends.  Even with the age difference I feel very close to you.  You are a sweet person and I love you.

Thank you for saying that. I love you too. I wish I'd found you when I lived in Virginia.

I'm usually uncomfortable in crowds/groups but I felt right at home at the retreats I attended. I didn't worry about anything around all of you. I think this is why I keep signing up.

 

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Kris replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 11:43 AM

Patti,

once again, great advice and I love the poem.

I never had a problem with being myself but I worry that people would feel bothered by my approach so I wait for them. 

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Karla replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 12:24 PM

Kris, I think there are a lot of us that just wait for others to approach us...maybe we wouldn't be so lonely if we only took that first step.  I know I'm just like you, tend to try to blend into the background and wait for someone to find me.

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Frances replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 12:45 PM

Kris,

Youre not the only one honey, Im never comfortable around crowds or groups of people if its for work thats fine because im there for a purpose, but if its a party forget about it youd find me in the kitchen doing the washing up.

lots of love

Francesxx

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Yes Mary......I may not have advice, but I so totally understand.  We are in South Carolina.  Not a lot of quilters, none in my area.  I find I make a friend, and then it seems they find things they don't like about me and try and change me.  Well, this is the way I am.  I try to be happy go lucky, sew most every day, and that's really all I want to do.  What's wrong with that?  My latest friend says I talk to much.  I talk a lot about quilting.....I love it.  I just say we be who we are, talk if we want, sew if we want.....go if we want.  I so understand.  My hubby says the same about me, I'm an alpha gal.  But I do love sharing, and teaching.  We are special.  I just do what I want by myself if no one wants to do it with me.  And I pray that I am the person God's want, not what anyone else wants.  I have truly great friends living in other states.  One just called me last night and we talked for two (2) hours.  I love her.  So keep your chin up, do what You want and do good things.  That's all we can do!  Be good friends to the ones that need and want US for the way we are.

Email me anytime.  seedyberries@gmail.com  I will always respond, Lord willing.

Happy in quilting, gloria g. Hemingway, SC

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Susan replied on Sun, Jun 2 2013 1:21 PM

Debbie:
But you know, friends can come from the strangers places and may not always be who or what you want them to be.
          

                                      Debbie, l liked what you had to say! My DH was also Military so I had to learn to reach out or be lonely. I also prayed about it and joined a wonderful church where I met a friend that I would have never chosen if I went by my own logic. However I trusted  my intuition and we are still, 25 years later, friends. It takes time and patience to cultivate a good friendship with acceptance being the key, of ourselves and others. We are all so busy with our own lives that it is hard to find time for a new friend.  

                     Mary, Pray about it! I know you said he does not hear you but he does and will if you ask.  I liked you when I met you in Tennessee and would love to have lunch with you, if we were closer. Dont give up, there is a friend out there for you!               Hugs,    to both of you,    Susan

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