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Good funnies!

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gini replied on Fri, Sep 17 2010 1:34 AM

cute poem chocake   thanks for the chuckle   gini

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Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, 'You graduated from the  University of  Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?'  
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'

Alabama  
A group of  Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.  
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,'
the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
 
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!'  

Texas      
The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 
  'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, 'cause it says 'Fine
For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana  
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in  Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.  

Mississippi  
The young man from  Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia  
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked,
Got any I.D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina  
A man in  North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road
 and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it.. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from  South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone wanting to retire to the North.

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Leslie replied on Fri, Sep 17 2010 8:02 AM

Lol Diane, good ones.

[Ava, Missouri

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Nana replied on Fri, Sep 17 2010 9:42 AM

Diane

LOL>....Really cute

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gini replied on Fri, Sep 17 2010 11:01 AM

oh, diane, thanks for my morning laughs   gini

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Mary789 replied on Fri, Sep 17 2010 11:03 AM

I really enjoy these jokes of the day, one of my favorite stops :)

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I'm glad people are enjoying them. I love a good clean joke and even the groaners. I always have jokes to share and you should all laugh at once a day!

North of Boston MA

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Good one CC.  I knew there was a reason we don't ask menfolks to buy "unmentionables". 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

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Liz - Bet you are glad there are a bunch of us out here that have "quilting madness"  After all, we keep you busy with all of our problems. 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

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Like you Southern funnies Diane.   I think I have met some of those folks. 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

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Kris replied on Fri, Sep 17 2010 5:43 PM

Good jokes Diane. I especially like that Tenessee one. 

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      Subject: Paraprosdokian  sentences A paraprosdokian is a  figure of speech   in which the  latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way  that causes the reader or listener  to reframe or reinterpret the first  part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes  producing an anticlimax.




     
    Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than  standing in a garage makes you a car.

    Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the  list.

    Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak.

    Ø    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    Ø    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
       
    Ø    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting  it in a fruit salad.

    Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese.

    Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then  proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many  is research.

    Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it  takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,  but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them  fish.

    Ø   I  thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that  you don't need it.

    Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

    Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    Ø    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I  said"Implants?"

    Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion  stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.

    Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president  and 50 for Miss America ?

    Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a  successful man is usually another woman.

    Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute  to skydive twice.

    Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas!

    Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it  back.

    Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a  way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Ø    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home,  even if you wish they were.

    Ø    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to  live with.

    Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be  devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

    Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they  go.

    Ø    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so  they can't get away.

    Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,  and a shot of tequila.

    Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire  Department usually uses water.

    Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever  you hit the target.

    Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Ø    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have  no imagination whatsoever.

    Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it  as when you are in it.

    Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some  people have more than one child?

    Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    =

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Nana replied on Sat, Sep 18 2010 9:52 AM

Diane

Another good one.  I love these....and some are so true....ROFLOL

Vinton, Virginia

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gini replied on Sat, Sep 18 2010 9:57 AM

thanks diane, sam and i both enjoyed your morning funnies   gini

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