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MaryLeeHayden Posted: Tue, May 28 2013 10:22 AM

I need some advice. I've lived in East Tennessee for 12 years now. I have had 1 good friend who accepted me as I am but she moved to California. I've tried several different groups and activities. People seem to like me when they first meet me and those few that have known me a long time have come to love me as much as I love them. It's the middle group I have trouble with. I must not be like-able at this stage. I know it's me because I'm the only common denominator. I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. I am very outgoing and love to laugh. I'm not looking for complements or pity. I'm looking for advice. Keep in mind, I'm 58 and it's hard to change but I'm willing to try. I get so lonely for a friend to go to lunch or dinner with...go to a movie with...or just talk to. Any suggestions?

I am a very accepting person. I never try to change anyone...just love them as they are. I would do anything for anyone if it were within my power. Sometimes that gets me in trouble as there are some who will take and take without giving back. I talked with hubby about it and he says I am an "alpha female" and perhaps that has something to do with it. However, my very best friend is very different from me (she lives in SE Florida) and he cannot understand how we get along. I told him we accept and love one another just as each of us is. I would give up a limb for her!

I have made some very good friends through the retreats here at QCA but most don't live near me. I would love to move closer to Kathy Fritz or Andrea Dee but no way my hubby would move back to Florida! lol

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Nana replied on Tue, May 28 2013 10:57 AM

Mary

I really don't have any advise but I wanted to say that I love spending time with you.  Wish we lived closer cause I would love to be able to go to lunch with you or just spend a day sewing together.  Maybe you could come visit sometime.   I would come see you but transportation is difficult for me as we only have one vehicle and Lewis needs it for work.

Vinton, Virginia

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Julienne replied on Tue, May 28 2013 11:13 AM

Mary,

There is really no good advise here but for you to be yourself and those who will like you will and those who don't you pay no mind to. Life is too short and you need to focus on the positive. Be friends with those who care about you as much as you care about them. Do not allow yourself to be a doormat and you won't end up as one. You sound like a wonderful person. And someone I would sit and quilt with any day. Keep your head up and your spirits high. It will all work our for you.

Julienne - Mid Missouri

 

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Sukochi replied on Tue, May 28 2013 12:02 PM

Mary, do you attend church, where you might find a friend? Are you in a quilt guild? Or have neighbors who might be needing a friend? Perhaps you could join a local group of some kind and befriend one of the ladies.

I don't have any close friends. Well, I do, but,  like you, they live very far away, in Nevada!!  The ladies in my church all work except two of the ladies who are much older then myself. I asked to be included in their next foray though town. They do yard sales and I love to go to those. So, it would be a great fit. 

I pray that you find someone soon. I wish I lived closer to you. We could have such fun .Isn't Diana up there, around where you live, somewhere? 

Sukochi

 

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Diana replied on Tue, May 28 2013 2:08 PM

Mary,    I live close by and would love to get together more often.  I'm just worried about calling you because of your medical issues.  I know there are days when you have trouble just moving no less heading out for lunch.  Call me please.  I love your company and the laughs.  Bob is going to start Chemo on Thurs. and then every Wed. after that for 8 weeks total. 

Diana in East Tn.

p.s.   It's not you.  Huggs...to a friend.

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Mimi replied on Tue, May 28 2013 3:37 PM

Mary,

You can come here anytime you want.  It's only 14 hrs by car but you could fly up to the local airport in Allentown and I 'll pick you up.  You, Andrea and Kathy could all come together.  You can shop my stash and then we could go to Lancaster and visit all the quilt shops. Mary, it's not you.  Everyone else is missing out on being your friend. Like you said you are a wonderful, loving person.  I was feeling a little bit like you so I decided it was time to go to my LQS and take a class.  That way I meet new people and have fun with my quilting at the same time.  How about your knitting buddies?  Anyone there you could befriend?

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Mary  I Know The Feeling. I Am Sitting In Starbucks By Myself For Lunch. IGo Out For Coffee And Lunch And Breakfast By myself. I Live In A Very Small Town On tTop Of that. I Get So Lonely Sometimes It Hurts. I Do Like Visiting On This Site Though. QuiltingAnd Seeing Keeps Me Busy Though. You Hang In There.

Georgetown CA I'd Rather Be Quilting

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MaggieNae replied on Tue, May 28 2013 4:21 PM

I have no advice for you as it sounds like you have more friends than I do.  I volunteer with an animal rescue group for four hours on Saturdays.  I've met some really nice people there, but would not really consider them my friends.  It is a good way though to met people outside of work, that have a common interest and to get some socializing in.  You could try your local park district.  They usually have various things going on.  But I would go into it for what it is and maybe you'll meet someone with a similar interest to hang out with.  By the way, what's wrong with hanging out with your husband (since I don't have one, I wouldn't know)?

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Dawn replied on Tue, May 28 2013 4:40 PM

I am that way too.  Most of my friends I do have, work.  They aren't grandmas yet, and I get along w/guys better, just because no drama.  But the friends that are women, work and are too tired to go do something later.  (which I totally understand!)  I do belong to a church, but again, no one in my age group that don't work.  We do belong to a group that we are leaders for, which is fun and I have got to know a lady pretty well.  

I can be your online friend!  We can encourage each other!  :-)

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Jenia replied on Tue, May 28 2013 5:14 PM

Mary, I can tell from the quote in your signature, I would love to be your friend! 

I too don't have many women friends and the ones I do have are far away from me.  I chose to move for warmer climate (New Mexico) several years ago and I still miss the friends I had back in Ohio.  Talking by phone, facebook or email just isn't the same as a hug and a lunch or night out. 

It's not easy to meet ladies and it's hard once you do to schedule times together or even to get to know each other very well.

 

 

 

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Karla replied on Tue, May 28 2013 7:19 PM

I have the same problem here in Nevada.  I have one pretty close friend here, but she is disabled and doesn't want to get out much and she doesn't quilt or sew.  We go out with our DH's every Sunday for breakfast, but that's about the extent of it.  All of my friends are down in California, but they don't quilt either, but we did used to meet a couple of times a month for lunch, but most of them are widows now and travel together, take cruises etc.  I can't get away for those kind of adventures as I care for the grandchildren.  I tell my children 6 months in advance to make sure they can make arrangements for the grandchildren just so I can go to a QCA retreat.

 

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Sorry about my post earlier. I did it on my phone but apparently my fingers and my phone don't get along. I meant to say "sewing" helps me pass the time. I enjoy visiting the friends I fond here even if it is jonly on-line.

Georgetown CA I'd Rather Be Quilting

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zoetc49 replied on Tue, May 28 2013 9:30 PM

Mary,

I understand how you feel. In fact I was thinking of leaving this group because I have felt like I have not been accepted. My life experiences took me down a very different path than what I thought I would go. I have seen evil in my young days as a friend's Mom killed her daughter, my best friend. I try to do too much for others because I want to live for today and want to do all I can to help others, only later I feel taken. I have drop friends that I realized we did not have enough in common to keep the friendship going, or I allowed myself to be used. I turned away from a church when I saw the politics of it and not the good feelings I was lead to believe existed in church. I do know there are good places , I myself need to seek them . Right now I have been pulled toward a guy that has made me recall my happier days before I went through a ton of junk...this is why I made a quilt for him--to thank him. But back to you. There is a group called Meetup.com and your area might have one or you can start your own. But you can look on the site and put in things your interested in and see if others are in the same interest as you. I belong to one and really need to be doing more ( to get my mind off that guy everyone on here says I am chaising...I don't care) Anyways, please don't think your the wrong person for friends. Others have issues and are busy with their own stuff. I am so glad that I have a pal to hang out with right now. I understand how important that is. Please keep in touch, I might not be there, but I would love to have someone to talk with on here.        

 

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Sukochi replied on Wed, May 29 2013 7:24 AM

Would you listen to us. No one on here seems to have local friends. We need an FOF Club (friends without friends)!. Maybe, we could try each other on for size. If there is someone, on here, that you feel would be a perfect friend. ask for their email. Talk private, not on the open forums. Then, if it seems like you would click as friends, share phone numbers, or skype.  

Zoetek, you must "shop" for the right fit in a church. Try non-denominational churches. Christian churches.  I never went to church, again, after we went to the Baptist Church my DLMIL attended. Then, we found Cornerstone through a contact at the Assisted Living place. And, they are such a loving, caring group. We spend the first half hour in fellowship. Just hugging, chatting and laughing. It is like a party.  And, we are a family.

all have a wonderful day. And, remember Jesus is our best friend. You can always go to him.

Sukochi

 

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Mary and Zoetc,

  We all seem to be looking for something in these forums.  Like you I too would like to find acceptance for who I am.  Through quilting, I have found a place and people who are loving and giving.  I don't post really personal stuff out on the live feeds because it's not a part of me I want to share.  However, let me say I have found a couple of ladies that I have become friends with, so keep trying!

MelodyP

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