Top 10 Posters

Joke/Inspiration of the Day #3

Page 11 of 24 (359 items) « First ... < Previous 9 10 11 12 13 Next > ... Last » | RSS

rated by 0 users
This post has 358 Replies | 27 Followers

Top 500 Contributor
Posts 225
Points 3,680

Loved these thanks for the posts.

KerryG

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 9,059
Points 170,827
MNnancy replied on Mon, Aug 19 2013 10:05 PM

The Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."...
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,
it's now $150."


On the banks of the Mississippi River in north central Minnesota (Brainerd lakes area)

  • | Post Points: 35
Top 75 Contributor
Female
Posts 1,221
Points 18,870
weezee56 replied on Tue, Aug 20 2013 2:56 PM

Nancy, Loved your dead duck.

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 24,976
Points 368,782
Kris replied on Tue, Aug 20 2013 9:51 PM

MNnancy:
The Dead Duck

Oh I love it Nancy. ROFLOL.

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 11,657
Points 136,077
Leslie replied on Tue, Aug 20 2013 10:06 PM

Nancy, too funny lol

[Ava, Missouri

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 28,501
Points 417,379
gini replied on Thu, Aug 22 2013 2:02 PM

BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW--and maybe you don't wanna.

 

  

Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward but I liked it...into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast.

And now you know, the rest of the story. 

*********************************

During WWII , U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure 27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say,  I gave them the whole nine yards, meaning they used up all of their ammunition. 

ONE MORE

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey;

Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

(All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

 

gini in north idaho

  • | Post Points: 50
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 4,592
Points 75,980
Karla replied on Thu, Aug 22 2013 3:20 PM

Learn something new everyday...always wondered where those sayings came from.

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,736
Points 437,165
Nana replied on Thu, Aug 22 2013 5:44 PM

Well I guess one can learn something new.

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 24,976
Points 368,782
Kris replied on Thu, Aug 22 2013 7:02 PM

Interesting Gini. I never heard the brass monkey expression though.

  • | Post Points: 35
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 11,657
Points 136,077
Leslie replied on Thu, Aug 22 2013 7:54 PM

good info to have on hand LOL

[Ava, Missouri

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,736
Points 437,165
Nana replied on Thu, Aug 22 2013 8:03 PM

Kris I am surprised that someone living in Maine hadn't heard about freezing the balls off of a brass monkey before.

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 28,501
Points 417,379
gini replied on Fri, Aug 23 2013 11:15 AM

nana, how many cannonballs do you think kris has stored away?  kris, are you hiding cannonballs in your stash??   hmmm?

gini in north idaho

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,736
Points 437,165
Nana replied on Fri, Aug 23 2013 12:57 PM

I would think with Maine being a coastal state that somewhere in history there would have been cannonballs on brass monkeys.   Thus I would think the saying would have been around for a lot of years in their state.  I feel sure there were a lot of balls being frozen off of brass monkeys up there.

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 24,976
Points 368,782
Kris replied on Fri, Aug 23 2013 5:44 PM

DH said he never heard the brass monkey part but they do say "freezing balls cold".

Gini, no cannon balls in my stash.

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,605
Points 178,428
Marie replied on Sat, Aug 24 2013 2:48 PM

Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.

If you take 1 minute to read this prayer, imagine how many prayers are
going up for our country.

Hi Lord, it?s me. We are getting older and things are getting bad
here. Gas prices are too high, no jobs, and food and heating costs too
high. I know some have taken you out of our schools, government and
even Christmas, but Lord I'm asking you to come back and re-bless
America, we really need you! There are more of us who want you than
those who don't! Thank You Lord, I Love you.

If you agree, send it on---if not just delete. Only you & the Lord will know.

"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point."

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 5
Page 11 of 24 (359 items) « First ... < Previous 9 10 11 12 13 Next > ... Last » | RSS
Have a Question? | About Us | Privacy Policy | Join Today © 2014 F+W All rights reserved.
By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use