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Joke/Inspiration of the Day #3

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Kris replied on Tue, Jul 16 2013 10:36 PM

Marie:
'You just happened to        catch my eye.'

ROFLOL.

 

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Marie replied on Mon, Jul 22 2013 7:16 AM

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO WAL-MART
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

Millbury, MA

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Nana replied on Mon, Jul 22 2013 10:30 AM

Marie

I think you have too much time on your hands....ROFLOL

Vinton, Virginia

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Marie replied on Wed, Aug 7 2013 5:37 PM

I think some of you will love this!

Ninth Day

Millbury, MA

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Karla replied on Wed, Aug 7 2013 8:26 PM

I love it Marie, it describes my dogs to a tee.

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Patti replied on Sun, Aug 11 2013 2:08 PM

 

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and Moishe. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Moishe to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Moishe opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Moishe's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.

The emperor was very disappointed and asked Moishe, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"

Moishe replied, "A circumcision is not intended to kill."

Patti

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MNnancy replied on Sun, Aug 11 2013 4:20 PM

Love it, Patti!


On the banks of the Mississippi River in north central Minnesota (Brainerd lakes area)

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Nana replied on Sun, Aug 11 2013 7:18 PM

Too funny Patti.

Vinton, Virginia

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Marie replied on Tue, Aug 13 2013 7:45 AM


Millbury, MA

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Leslie replied on Tue, Aug 13 2013 10:12 AM

Marie, ROFLMAO

[Ava, Missouri

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Nana replied on Tue, Aug 13 2013 11:53 AM

Marie

These are all fantastic.  You are definitely on a roll today......LOL

Vinton, Virginia

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weezee56 replied on Tue, Aug 13 2013 12:41 PM

Marie, loved your jokes. I have to tell them to DH he will really get a kick from them.

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MNnancy replied on Wed, Aug 14 2013 7:12 AM

Marie, I'm sending those on to Pastor.  You'd be surprised how many of your jokes he has read at the start of service!


On the banks of the Mississippi River in north central Minnesota (Brainerd lakes area)

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Marie replied on Wed, Aug 14 2013 10:45 AM

MNnancy:

Marie, I'm sending those on to Pastor.  You'd be surprised how many of your jokes he has read at the start of service!

Nice to know, Nancy, thanks.

 

Millbury, MA

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Marie replied on Thu, Aug 15 2013 7:10 AM

LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY!

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.  A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA .....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!!

 

 

Millbury, MA

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