It happens so often that the patient tells the family one thing to make themselves look better so to speak when the truth is actually something different. For some reason the "elderly" in NHs tend to fabricate. I don't know if this is partially due to a change in routine or just due to the "illness' that caused them to be there. Before getting overly upset try to take a deep breathe and know that the staff is doing the best they can to take care of your Mom. It is so very hard to release the reins and realize that we can't fix the problem. You will both remain in my prayers.
Nana - I really have no idea who is telling me the truth - as the studient nurses and helpers side with my mom and tell me to watch out...
She seems to be doing better the last couple days though - me - I am doing worse - the weather has me hurting so so much - I have been going to see her every other day and did not even get dressed today. They said though yesterday when I was there that she was now attempting to work with PT and this comes after our meeting on Wed... so maybe something got through to someone and since they told me to go to Branson the 2-8 I am going and not worrying while gone...yeah right... but I am going to try.
Thea, Still praying for you and your Mom. I hope you really mean it and stop feeling so guilty and responsible for her. It sounds like she has always been a negative person and gets all her attention from complaining, negative reinforcement is better than nothing. Its a hard job caring for an elderly parent in the best of circumstances, however, your relationship with her is so strained it must seem unbearable at times. You cannot and never will make her happy. She likes living in selfish misery and your just the opposite, positive, caring and giving. Just let God handle her and you Take Care of yourself. Glad you are going to Branson, wish I could, too. Hugs, Susan
Thea , how is everything going better i hope. My SIL has been making daily run to hospital but i know she is overwhelmed because of upcoming wedding. I know one nh in area wont let any family visit while new resident is acclimating.
Quilting My Rainbow
Be sure to stagger your visits, never let them know when you are coming, except for scheduled meetings. I was so lucky my Mom was in an awesome NH, they loved her, she was such a sweet person with always a smile and compliment for everyone. When she became a vegetable, they treated her with such loving care. I'm so thankful for them.
I hate it for those of you who have loved ones in NH that you cannot trust.
I remember to this day, going to visit my great grandmother in the local nursing home in Jasper, Ga. It was dark, gloomy, and so cold. More like a jail ,way back in the day, then a HOME. She was in her wheelchair, holding her bad arm with her good arm. She just stared at the floor. It was awful. That place had no carpets, just concrete floors, and the old metal hospital beds and thin mattresses. It was just a place you sent them off to die, I guess. The one here in Ellijay is said to be wonderful. they have parties, and Elvis,a nd a prom with a King and Queen. Even a quilting group. I hear that the patients love that place. It is part of the old (but still used) hospital. It is also $5000.00 a month. And, they take all your money and property when you go in there. Just not right.
I stopped in to see her after church - had come home and made some strawberry muffins and took them up to her... Soon I will have talked with every nurse and aide I hope... I get tired of saying the same thing over and over... and getting lied to - argh! She was in the day area waiting for lunch and she was freezing - I have low blood pressure which is part of the cause of my always feeling cold when others are sweating... well Mom had low blood pressure until she had the heart problems but I think she is getting it back... anyway she had told them she didn't want to eat in the common area but they told her she had to - they didn't know who I was and found out quickly - I asked them why she had to eat there when she wanted to eat in her room... they told me as long as she was on skilled nursing care she had to eat at least one meal in the common area - I asked where this rule was written as I had been told by the head nurse that she was allowed to eat all her meals in her room if she wanted to... the girl said it is for socialization - so I asked just who she was supposed to be socializing with since every woman out there was in a recliner because they had all had strokes and were not able to comuunicate..
Mom was sitting there still cold so I gave her the container with the hot muffins in and told her to put it under her blanket to warm her up - then told them that she would be going back to her room... they took her back and got her in her recliner... I then talked with her got her TV set up for the Daytona race - got her head phones working adn went to see where her lunch was - they had just started serving and Mom's plate was made up the very last although I was standing there... I then told the aide since it had taken them so long that I was going to have to leave... she hrumphed and said she has to have someone with her while she eats - I said what for - she hasn't before... well she took off and next thing I know there is a nurse in her room... so I explained what is written on the white board - MOM EATS SLOW - leave her food and she will eat it as she wants - she can't rush food in on your schedule - leave the plate there till dinner and switch them out...
I asked what the problem was with the other nurse - she told me then that she was just an aide - I said well my Mom eats very slow and she is more then capable of feeding herself - she didn't have a stroke this time but if you keep on treating her like an imbecile she will act like one... the nurse laughed and said she would take care of it.
Mom is showing signs of dimensia though - not being able to tell what has happened on any given day. I told Jay the other day that I really doubt she will come home again so am trying to prepare myself and when I get back from Branson will go down to Medicaid and start the paper work for them to take over her finances - I told the real estate agent in NY that if he wanted to make any money from the sale of her house he better do it now - because soon the state of Oklahoma will take it over... the one guy who had put a low ball price in on it was not interested for the price I offered it for which is just enough to pay off her mortgage - and the closing costs and the real estate broker.... I told Chris (our real estate broker) that I thought my brother was somehow involved with this guy... but to let it go... we shall see what happens... it is a good price for her house and whomever buys it can put a little money in it and sell it for a profit.... I just don't have the time or money to do it.
My DIL said aren't we going to keep it for a summer home... I laughed and said if Mom had paid it off yes I would have kept it but at the present time I can't afford the taxes or the mortgage...
Hi Thea --
I am impressed by your ability to stay strong and calm with the nurses. I know the nurses have it hard too, but they don't need to treat people poorly.
I remember the awful time my mom had in nursing homes as she was in her final battle with cancer. She was in her second to last nursing home . . . it was one that my parents had great respect for . . . though they had only ever had friends there . . . never family. It took being a resident there for my parents to realize it wasn't as nice as they once thought. My mom was in constant pain from the cancer . . . she didn't want pain medication except Tylenol . . . when one of her nurses came in to turn her, she put her hands under moms knees, and mom screamed in pain . . . the nurse took that to be a complaint and just left her there . . . half turned and without the guard rails up on her bed. Later that evening, after they forgot to feed her, she was trying to move and subsequently fell out of bed. She ended up with a dislocated shoulder, a concussion, and her entire face was black and blue. We only know the circumstances of what happened from what mom told us . . .
Anyway, they took her to the hospital and she refused to go back to that nursing home. My dad had her sent to another nursing home but she only stayed there one night . . . she was too badly injured from her fall they said so needed to be in a hospital. Back to the hospital she went, where they discovered she had more than just a concussion. At that point there was nothing more the doctors could do for her so she went into hospice mode. A week later she fell into a coma . . . two weeks after that she died.
I will forever have hatred in my heart for the nursing home where she fell. The staff there was completely incompetent and the last nurse who saw her when she tried to move her was held responsible for mom falling out of bed. We knew mom was dying, but I can't but wonder if she would have had an easier time at the end if she had not fallen.
My dads had to be in a nursing home three times since mom died (2010) due to illness or breaking bones. He found a home that he likes but mom would have never gone there because it was the nursing home where her mom died a few years earlier.
Moral of the story is . . . stand your ground with the nursing home staff. I think the respect that patients get in nursing homes is a sad reflection on our country. There is no respect for anyone anymore. Heck, we treat pets better then we treat people in nursing homes. I guarantee you can go into any kennel and find the animals getting more attention and care than our loves ones get in a nursing home.
Stay strong as I know you will through Gods love. You have a lot of friends here on QCA who are praying for you and your mom.
Peace be with you.
Kristin I am so sorry to hear what happened with your mother we had a similar situation with my mother in law I don't see how someone who has taken all this training and you would assume they went into nursing to help people. How can they turn around and do harm to our elderly, if they hate their jobs that badly that they take it out on patients then quit. Go find something that they do like to do!
I would get all the medical evidence that you can find out about your mother's fall and the injuries she sustained and sue the nurse and the nursing home. I am an ER/trauma nurse I love my job and I would never harm anyone, and normally I would not tell someone to sue somebody, but there are times where that is the only action that makes sense. Think of the medical bills and costs that have been incured as a result of this, someone should be paying, as this should never have happened.
Sheila - I am staying on top of the nursing staff as much as possible and they never do know when I am going to drop in. To correct I think a misconception, My Mom fell here at the house and broke her hip - she got up about 1:30 in the morning and just fell down and the hip broke - she had a terrible time in the hospital - they put her on a concoction of drugs and she lost her mind - she has done better in the NH but it is going to take patience that at first the Nursing / Physical therapy staff didn't seem to have - it was hard for them to understand - but I have kept up with it and her and she is now attempting to try to do what they ask her to do - it is hard to know with my Mom though as she is a very good LIAR - she has no conception of what the truth is - so I just have to stay calm with all of them... Mom is a genius - her IQ is over 200 and she is a member of Mensa - she has no tact and no common sense. She can take words and twist anything you say so that you all of a sudden wonder what you were talking about and how did it get twisted around.
Having grown up in our house I am very adept at teh word battle with her and she and I usually end up at a draw - also I won't let her get away with anything which makes her very very mad... but that is the way it has to be. I have to take care of my health and at the same time watch out for her. I do not really think she will come home from the NH but just as soon as I say that she will start working hard so that she doesn't stay there - we shall see - at the moment I am putting it in the Lord's hands to guide me to the result that is needed.
For right now I will make sure that they treat her with kindness and I won't let the aides get away with not doing their jobs - if they don't like it they can go talk with the main head nurse with me and learn that the patient is always right - just like in retail the customer is always right - you have to do your job and if they don't like their jobs - well guess what I am not worried about them but my Mom - although she may deserve not the best treatment I will fight so that she gets it... she is family and that is just the way I am...
Kristin - I am so so sorry that your Mom was treated in that manner - that is abhorable and the only thing good about it - if anything - is that now she is out of pain and has a new and wonderful body that will never go through anything like that again. I keep waiting for that body and someday all the pain I go through each and every day will be gone - for right now it keeps me smelling the roses... and they smell great!
Thea hang in there maybe tomorrow the sun will shine on you and your mom .
Kristin I totally understand and empathise as I'm still wondering on FILif he'll make it home again.
Dad took legal action shortly after moms passing in 2010. In the end, the nurse was fired and the nursing home was put on probation (or something like that) by the state (Minnesota) . . . I wasn't privy to all the details of the settlement. Dad didn't ask for money . . . that's not his style . . . just for the wrong-doers to be punished.
We knew that mom hadn't been fed yet at the time of her fall . . . the nurse claimed she was busy and hadn't gotten to mom yet . . . she admitted to trying to move mom but denied leaving the guard rail down . . . it was obvious that she'd left it down since mom hadn't had any visitors between the time when the nurse went in to move her, and when she fell, and mom was certainly in no condition to maneuver herself to be able to work the guard rails. There was a span of 2 hours between when the nurse SAID she went in to move mom and when the bed alarm went off. Visitors were required to check in so we know nobody had been in to see her except the nurse when she went in to move her.
Dad is an Episcopal priest. He is very forgiving and never asks for anything monetary. I'm sure the bills he incurred as a result of her fall had to be horrendous but all he would tell me was that "they're taken care of".
The nursing home that dad has been in since moms passing is by far not a fancy place. No luxurious surroundings, an older building that isn't much to look at, no fancy rooms for the patients and visitors to spend time in . . . but a caring and professional staff . . . Dad has found that as long as he's nice to the staff, they're nice to him.