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Nana replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 1:51 PM

Stephanie

It is always worse at night.  About 8 pm they start getting confused and it worsens as the night progresses.  We always called it sundowners syndrome.   It happens to almost all the elderly.   I know that families hate to see their loved ones in any kind or restraint but sometimes it was the only option that worked.   Staff could not stay at their bedside the whole night and it was the only way to keep them from trying to get up and falling.   I have been on both sides of this issue and there are no easy answers.

Vinton, Virginia

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Sukochi replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 2:56 PM

Listen to us, all. It is just the time of life that we all begin to deal with our elderly parents. I have stories, too. I have, until recently, blamed myself for my DLMIL's death. I just knew, because I HAD to have some food, and left her there alone, to run down to the cafeteria, that when I returned and she was not doing well ,at all. I knew it was my fault. She was  taken to ICU, not 10 mins after I came back up, and died the next morning. Jim had to drag me, kicking and screaming ,from that hosp. the night before she died, and she was HIS mother. Finally, my dear sister's at church made me understnad that it was God who sent her home, not me. I have let it go, after three years, I have let it go.

Elderly parents can be a handfull. You love them, butm can't help them. So, you wear yourself down over the guilt. Do not to that. It does not help one single thing. They don't even know what is going on, really. I think Nana can agree with that. So, do what you can, when you can, but both of you, have to remeember there is someone else to consider, YOU!  And, let this be a lesson to you. Talk to your kids about your wishes, and tell them, that living with them is not your plan. I would never do to my son what, Jim's Mom did to us. Even though, she had not idea what she was doing.  I will live in a box, in the park, before I would ever put my son through what we went through with his grandmother And, he said he is keeping a nice box in the garage with our name on it. Boo!. 

Sukochi

 

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Donna replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 3:18 PM
Thank you Barbara for letting us know. Heavenly Father, You know these women, their circumstances and their love for You and faith in You. We thank You Lord and ask a speedy and complete recovery for both Thea and her mother. We know that where two or more are gathered You are in our midst and ask this in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Jesus!
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Donna replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 4:05 PM
Thank you Sukochi for sharing. You're so right about the guilt! It seems that whatever the circumstances, near or far, we feel compelled to do something! Our 90 year old aunt is adamantly opposed to moving into assisted living. My DB, SIL, DS#2 and myself are sharing the responsibility of making sure someone is there every morning to make sure she eats, takes her meds and is mentally with it enough to be left unattended. Her DS tries to see his mom once a week and his ex-girlfriend takes care of her finances. DB#2 and I am the furthest away but since we both go to town a few days a week to see DS#3, shop and run errands anyway, the extra distance to the next town to help with Auntie isn't that much of a sacrifice. You DLMIL was blessed to have you and her DS whether she knew it or not. And I'm sure my DS and DIL would keep a nice box handy for me, too. chuckles... {{{{{Hugs}}}}}, Donna in Oregon
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Marie replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 5:18 PM

Thea, extra prayers going up for you and your mom.  There must be some other med they can give her to calm her down and not cause confusion.  God Bless.  (((((HUGS)))))

Millbury, MA

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Marie replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 5:25 PM

Joyce, I'll keep you and your mom in my prayers as well.  I've been there with my mom also and it isn't easy, the guilt is the worse of it.  God Bless.  (((((HUGS)))))

Millbury, MA

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Joyce replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 5:31 PM

Annette, thank you for your prayers and the virtual hug.  It means a lot.

Joyce

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Joyce replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 5:38 PM

Barbara & Gina, thank you both for your prayers and thoughts and kind words.  I went to see mom today and she was sitting at the nurse's station in her undershirt.  That is not my mom.  The nurse & aid said they had her there to keep her from getting up and falling.  She was folding doll clothes and would not leave her own top on.  They had put it back on and she would fight them and take it off.  I helped the nurse put it back on again.  Then I took her to her room and later fed her lunch.  They had to give her ativan again this am because she had so much anxiety.  She was even yelling at me.  They have a GI outbreak in the nh now so everyone is locked into their unit.  I usually walk her all around the place.  The psycholoist saw me and we chatted she said she and the other psyc didn't know how I had stood up taking care of mom as long as I have and that I could not take care of her now.

I hope that Thea is feeling better today and the RA and other things are easing off.  I hope all you ladies have a great evening.  I'm off to throw a load of Mount Washmore in and then get into my PJ's and relax. I had fun today getting a couple of surprise mailbox 2013 packages off.  It is exciting to wait for them to arrive.

Joyce

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Angele replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 6:58 PM

Joyce and Thea, my mother went through that two years ago when she had her k ee surgery. This was her fourth surgery in about six years for knees and hips. All the others went well, but this last one she went bonkers.  She did not recognize any of us, she would yell tell us that she had been chased by a man at Walmart and fell, that we had done this to her.  We are seven siblings and while I stayed with my dad as he can't stay home alone anymore, the other six and some friends took turns so that someone was there 24/7. And after three weeks, we were burnt out.  We had no life, just waiting and wondering if Mom would recover and be able to come home.  We are blessed that after a stay of four weeks in hospital instead of six days, she finally came home. Now thanks to Veterans affairs, they can be in their home with excellent caregivers. Without those wonderful people, my parents would have to be in a home, as we can't give all the care they would need. As it is my siblings take turns over the weekends as the caregivers work the weekdays.  Yet there will be a point in time where they won't be able to stay home.

Please don't feel guilty.  You have done everything you can. Making yourself ill won't help your mothers. Think that the time spent with you is special for both mother and daughter. Cherish the time you had. When you visit, be positive and make sure she knows that she is loved. Both of you should be proud of what you did for your mothers.

i will keep you both as well as your mothers in my prayers.  May God help you and carry you during this difficult time.

Angèle  from NWO

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Angele replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 7:07 PM

Sukochi, our sons told us they would find us a great seniors home and even pack and drive us there!  So they also know that as much as we love them, we don't expe t them to do that le el of caregiving either.

Angèle  from NWO

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Ginny replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 7:20 PM

Joyce,  You sound so much better this evening than you did earlier today.  I am glad that you got some reinforcement from the staff and psychologist at the nursing home.   Just pace yourself when going to see Mom and be sure to enjoy a little quilting each day too.    Ginny

 

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Debbie replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 7:32 PM

Just reading about Thea and Mom and hope the prayers are working.  I'm adding mine to all of yours.  I know it's not easy when our parents age and then we have to take care of them.  Unfortunately, we don't live close enough to either of our folks - 8 hours car ride to DH's Mom and 20 hours to my Dad's.  My DFIL spent 9 years in nursing home, had stroke and lost use of legs and left arm, plus he had aspirating pneumonia so had to feeding plug in stomach.  Really poor quality of life but he lived to almost 84 before dying 4 years ago. 

My Mom had Alzeiheimer's and congested heart failure.  she ended up in hospital in 2005 and they restarted her heart.  They had Dad put her in nursing home, rather than take her home.  she went to the hospital three times in a month, stopped breathing.  last time Dad took her home and drs told him she wouldn't last 6 months but she died in her sleep one afternoon 2.5 years later.  She didn't know me for the last 2.5 years of her life, thought I was a neighbor.  She would do the same thing, get agitated and scream, mostly I think it's because they don't understand what's happenng and get frustrated about it all.  Old age is not for sissies!

Thea, take care of yourself.  You'll be no good for Mom if you aren't healthy. 

"I'm just a poor soul who's intentions are good.   Oh, Lord, Please don't let me be misunderstood."

Debbie (dear1953)  

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Kris replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 8:32 PM

Thea,

as everyone else has said, remember to take care of yourself.

I'm keeping your mom and you in my prayers.

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Sukochi replied on Thu, Feb 7 2013 8:39 PM

Kris, see the forum Update On Mom. It is Thea's latest comunique.. Things have taken a much better turn this fternoon. Praise God.

Sukochi

 

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Barbara replied on Fri, Feb 8 2013 12:45 AM

Just wanted to give you all an update,  things are looking up right now. thea's mom was good today with them not giving her the medicine ,she was alert and talking , she has also been moved to a very nice home very close to Theas for skilled nursing while she recovers form her surgery , Mom understood and was not upset about going. they even have her in a room with a roommate. the staff were all over her with hugs and attention. Thea said she was really happy when she left to go home. .this is the first time I saw Theas smiling and relaxed all week, I know she will tell you all about it after she gets some much needed rest.  So I wan to thank all of you for your prayes for Thea and her Mother. they were heard.. Barbara

Liberty,Missouri

EAT!! SLEEP !! QUILT!!

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