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I'm struggling today . . . Cried myself to sleep last night.

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gini replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 1:51 PM

hang in there kristin,  you have a lot of friends here.   you can't pick your family, but you don't have to love them or spend time with them.   we finally stepped back from my MIL and  have regrets for how pathetic a mother and grandmother she is, but no regrets that there is no contact.

this is what my aunt and i do.  when you meet someone or have a family member they get written on  our mind's chalkboard.  when an individual steps over the line of being a good citizen or friend,  they get erased, i dust off my hands and go on with my life.  you have to decide where that line is, but  when they are erased, they are gone. i can be in the same room with them, converse with them,  smile even,  but they are gone-gone, long-gone, and  permanently -gone from my chalkboard.

 i can tell when auntie is talking with one of her erasures, she gets kind of a blank look and a weird smile like she has a private joke she isn't going to share. 

gini in north idaho

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Marie replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 3:18 PM

Kristin, you've gotten much advice here but in the end it is up to you what you will do.  Just know that we are all with you and praying for you.  God Bless.  (((((HUGS)))))

Millbury, MA

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Kris replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 3:33 PM

Kristin,

sorry your brother and sister are so awful to you. 

I agree that you should just go to your dad's party and try to be happy for him. God will take care of the rest.

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I'm so sorry Kristin - sometimes familys stink and unfortunately we cannot pick our family. My family sounds like yours, I have just decided that I can do nothing to change things and just accept the way things are and try not to worry about it. (((HUGS)))

Life is like a quilt...bits & pieces, joy & sorrow, stitched with love

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Bev replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 4:50 PM

Kristen,

it's amazing how much all families are alike.

After reading your posts I hope you don't decide to skip your Dads party because of hurt feelings that is unless you are not well enough to go of course.  When it comes to my families gatherings, I ask myself which I would regret more, going or not going so I usually go.

Now at the risk of sounding like the Devil's Advocate, you might consider it a blessing that you don't have to see your DS & DB except for the short time you will be there. a little bit of family can go a long way sometimes. After all since we can't choose our relatives we don't necessarily have to like them.  As for your nieces just contribute their attitude to their age, and being so materialistic. Their attitude may change when they get older.  

As for your DB & DS, there may be a reason for their attitude so don't think that they are intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, at least I hope not. They may honestly think they are helping for some reason.  

Now enough of that, just go to see your Father on his big day and paste on that smile and kill them with kindness, that will get them!

Take care of you!

  from TN

 

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Joyce replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 4:51 PM

Kristin:  I'm so sorry you are being treated so unfairly and unkind.  I understand completely.  I wonder if there is any family that doesn't have similiar problems with one or more members.  I have cried many times over loved ones and the mean things they say or do.  But I give it over to God and that helps then when it resurfaces I do it again.  I'm not like the one lady that can erase it all.  I try but ......    I will pray for your family situation and for you.  I hope you can attend your dad's party.  Think about him as he is the most important.  Hope you have a better New Year.  Looks like there are many friends in this group.

Joyc e

 

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MNnancy replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 5:15 PM

Sandra D, who used to join us here on QCA, posted this on her Facebook page today, and I thought of you when I saw it.


On the banks of the Mississippi River in north central Minnesota (Brainerd lakes area)

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Caryl replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 5:19 PM

To all of you that have had these same or similar family problems I want to say: Hang in there!  I worked with ministers for many years and they often said : "You can't choose your family but you do choose your friends."  Family doesn't have to fit into the catagory of friends.  I have 8 brothers and sisters.  Some I like, some I don't  know and some  I don't want in my life any more.  The ones I don't want in my life I treat as if I divorced them.  I'm pleasant if in their presence, don't talk them down to to others and don't instigate a meeting.  You can't forget, but you can forgive and move on.  Holding the anger and hate will only hurt you.

Off my soap box now,

Caryl in Buda, TX

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Agnes replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 5:19 PM

A lot of good advice given but the end result, as also stated, is all up to you. Pick on the positive which is your Dad celebrating his 80th birthday. Be there for him. The negative seems to be your siblings so limit your time with them as much as possible. All they do is drag you down which is so evident from your topic choice.

Families can be so different. I have felt closer to my husband's family than to my own for a very long time. Even after my husband's death they are my go to family. I will take time with my family if they feel they have the time to give me a call but I don't hold me breath. Now both my sons are just wonderful I am so thankful that. we were able to instill good values and people skills in them.

Agnes in NW Ontario

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Kristin, I have no advice, but my T& P are with you

[Ava, Missouri

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Dawn replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 6:49 PM

I am so very sorry you are going thru this.  Please know that I am praying for you.  I agree w/others, that you should go and enjoy your dad and spend time w/him on his special day.  (((((((((HUGS))))))))

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Susan replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 6:58 PM

Caryl in Buda, TX, Well said! What more can I say.   Susan

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Kristin,  I'm so sorry for your problems.  I'm not a great advice giver, but I'd say go to the party and act like nothing is wrong.  Have a great time with your Dad and try to be friendly with the siblings and neices and nephews.  Karma will get them.

Denise

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Donna replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 7:30 PM
Kristin, I'm so sorry for your pain. I too have shed many a tear over family members. It's sad that so many families are fractured. I grew up in difficult circumstances after my mother died and my dad remarried. Nonetheless, once I became an adult I realized my past didn't have to dictate my future. I forgave my abusive stepmother and maintained a relationship with her even after my dad died. I have a fairly good relationship with my stepsisters and stepbrother. Five of the six of us 'kids' live in close proximity. My DB remarried several years ago. I finally met his then girlfriend 4 years ago when a cousin came to visit. I like my SIL but have only seen her 3 times, twice at her work. They're now both retired. I have DB cell phone # but he told me to never call his house #. I don't think my SIL has my phone #'s. He seldom returns my calls and I have never been invited to their home. My SS's and Step Aunt have been invited to their home for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner every year since they've been married. In all fairness, he did come visit me in the hospital after I had heart surgery. I have a half brother (same father) who always sounded very cordial when he happened to answer his phone when I called. The last time he answered he was on the road and thought his wife was calling. Except at his Stepfathers internment, during which time he avoided being near enough to talk with me, he hasn't called, written or acknowledged letters, cards or gifts for almost 7 years. (I finally quit sending stuff.) He lives a couple hours away and always had an excuse when I had an opportunity to go visit. He's since changed his #. I don't understand why neither of my brothers want to be around me and it is very hurtful. You mentioned that you and your dad weren't that close. You can take advantage of being at his birthday party to let him know that you still love him and are happy to be able to share his 80th birthday. It's probably not easy to be in the same room with your DB and DS. My best advice is to be civil with them but not let their attitude toward you ruin the day for you. You can plan to enjoy yourself with your husband, dad and any friends or relatives that don't treat you poorly. I don't hold a grudge but do believe that "kill 'em with kindness" works. We don't want to lower ourselves to their levels and/or provide them with any ammunition to hold things against us. Relish the love you receive here from your quilting family. My T&P are with you. Hugs, Donna in Oregon
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Thea replied on Wed, Jan 2 2013 7:35 PM

Kristin.  It is sad isn't it when family acts like this - we have similar problems on my DH's side and my side... oh my... my brother disowned me last year...his kids (5) disowned him 20 years ago - I used to stand up for him but saw him in his truthful light.  

I say - enjoy your DH and your family and say hello to the rest when you need to.  I would also say - when they send wish lists for birthdays or Christmas that you are buying for you immediate family this year and try very hard to let it all go!  

It is fairly easy for me as there is a lot of distance between me and my brother and DH's family lives all over the place.  We take care of our own immediate family which is my son and his wife and our grands.  

When you feel like crying yourself to sleep - just give it up to the Lord and know that he knows where you are and will surround you with his love.  the others don't deserve your wonderful concern for them.  

If you are worried about them getting mad that they have to do all the planning and work - just keep ahold of emails or messages that you have left them and their answers that it is all done or being taken care of and send them to them.  

But smile - you have tons of friends here that understand where you are coming from - we can't pick our family like we can our friends and you have wonderful taste wtih the friends you have picked.

Hugz and prayers - virtually - coming at you!

 

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