LOL Ramona and Debbie. Good ones.
I found this on Pat Sloan's blog. Gave me a chuckle:
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.They think so logically.A teacher was reading the story of the 'Three Little Pigs' to her class.She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather thebuilding materials for his home.She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full ofstraw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to buildmy house?'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the mansaid?'One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I thinkthe man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a ***!! A talking pig!'The teacher had to leave the room.
Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: Three 6-packs Lady: How much per 6-pack? Man: About $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So a 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have three 6-packs a day which puts your spending In one year at $10,950 correct?
Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,950 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $164,250 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in an interest paying savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your *&^%$* Ferrari then?
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the
backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral
guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were
only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers
put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve
never played before for this homeless man. And as I played
‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all
wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for
my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened
the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen
nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentisttwo years before."Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy onthe next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mphwhen it smacked me right in the testicles."The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have todo with your dentures?""It was the first time my teeth didn't hurt....."
Patti:As a bagpiper, I play many gigs
ROFLOL. Good ones Marie and Patti.
Way too cute.
Southwest of San Antonio
6 reasons not to mess with children. (1)A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." (2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." (3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill." (4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." (5) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty." (6) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh, too.
Good ones Marie.
Way too cute.
So cute Debbie.