Thanks Ramona I needed a good laugh!
Quilting My Rainbow
Oh my...
Good one Dawn. lol Ginny
Dawn, I really like this one. Old codger!
Millbury, MA
Ramona, roflol loved it
[Ava, Missouri
Griffin, GA
Marie - the Archie Bunker piece was funny!!!!!!
Dawn - loved the "senior citizen" joke.
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Florida recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? ' ' Naw, sir ‘, replied the redneck. ‘I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. ' ' Pet fish? ' ' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swims ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. ' ' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. ' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. ' ' O. K... ‘, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this! ' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? ' ' Well, what? ‘, says the redneck. The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? ' ' Call who back? ' ' The FISH ‘, replied the warden! ‘What fish? ‘, replied the redneck. Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!
Marge
ROFLOL Love it...golf pro dropped dead.
Vinton, Virginia
Ramona
That one is great...LOL
LOL... if I didn't know better I'd think this was in my back yard. Yes, I admit it... I'm a cat lady...
Southwest of San Antonio
You may have heard before but had to share.
Debbie,
Too cute. I'm a cat lady too but can't bring myself to getting any more animals after my last two cats died. This picture is so cute. My Mom has two but feeds lots of strays. I've heard some states are passing laws that you but so many cats. I think I heard one state was two and another was five. I know someone that has about twenty some cats. Some were his Dad's and he keeps his Dad's house so the cats can stay in it. He goes there twice a day. He also has a buidling in his back yard that he has cats in. A little too much for me. LOL
Sorry....one more.....
WIVES DON'T FORGET OLD BOYFRIEND Boudreaux take his wife, Cloteele, to a dance down on the bayou, las' weekend. There was this guy on the dance floor dancin' like crazy - breakdancin', moonwalkin', back flips--the whole works. Cloteele turn to Boudreaux and say, "See dat guy? Twenty-five year ago, he propose to me and I turn him down." Boudreaux paused and say, "Look like he still celebratin'!"
WIVES DON'T FORGET OLD BOYFRIEND
Boudreaux take his wife,
Cloteele, to a dance
down on the bayou, las' weekend.
There was this guy on the dance floor dancin' like crazy - breakdancin',
moonwalkin', back flips--the whole works. Cloteele turn to Boudreaux and say,
"See dat guy? Twenty-five year ago, he propose to me and I turn him down."
Boudreaux paused and say, "Look like he still celebratin'!"
Those are some cute jokes!
This one is kinda long but I like it- It's Quilter's Dictionary
Attention Deficit Disorder Quilter: May be diagnosed as such, If they say and do things like:
"I love quilting- want to see my UFO pile? Oh come on; you have them too...what?
They don't have their own room?! Why not?"
"I started a new quilt to day; now where did I put it, or my ruler, hey, where's my sewing machine?! Oh yeah, I took it to quilt retreat it's still in the car....."
"Want to see my latest work; ooh cake- I like cake! What is today? Oh look a tree! I like trees....oh, hi there; what were you here for again?"
" I know I put it here a minute ago- Oh! There are my second set of keys!"
" Let's see, cut 2 strips at 2 1/2" and sew....wait cut 2 strips at 2 1/2" and sew....wait...didn't I just cut those...wait cut 2 strips....where did I just lay those strips?"
Big Foot: noun; a real thing! A foot for machine quilting; allowing for larger "tracks" of quilting lines.
Design Wall: noun; usually a dollar store flannel backed table cloth tacked to a wall in a sewing room, used to audition placement of blocks before sewing together. Generally becomes a thread bunny infested wad of hideously mismatched squares of fabrics, frightening anyone who sees it. ADD Quilters may have several of these as they tend to forget where the previous ones were located.
fabric: noun; material used to make quilts;
addicting substance identified by hoarding, stashing and searching for more;
generally diagnosed by examining the quilter's sewing room and bank account.
Fat Quarter; noun; NEVER refers to any part of the female anatomy!
A fabric piece developed by quilt shop owners in order to satisfy a quilter's desire for the latest patterns,
( and who may be trying to manage their fabric addiction, i.e. "stash" see below*). Although a smaller size than yardage, can become just as unmanageable and may actually be more addicting!
irony : adv.; opposite of wrinkly. Important to quilters and dry cleaners only.
needle: noun; sewing device with a hole in it called an eye; from base word 'need' and letter 'L' for little extra, always referring to fabric.
One Thread width: term; invisible, rarely, if ever, attained. Ridiculous measurement devised by an anally retentive quilt designer; causing none of their patterns to ever attain perfection by the non-anal quilter,
especially the ADD Quilter ( see above*) who will check themselves into the nearest mental health facility or will self medicate on barbiturates and wine while trying to machine quilt the rag they just created with this pattern.
Quarter inch seam; noun; seemingly unattainable measurement gained by most quilting feet; sewing machines and quilters; however differs widely between all the above!
Quilter: noun; one who takes perfectly good fabrics, cuts them into pieces and sews them all back together, in a difficult pattern no less!
Quilt: noun; product of insanity listed above;
which usually , after many hours of hard work, is given away!
Quilt Retreat: noun; an event which is an excuse for buying fabrics, tools and snacks, but definitely is NOT a treatment facility for the two definitions listed above;
generally occurs over several days where participants sleep over on hard bunks; usually resulting in lack of sleep, a weight gain, constipation, overspending and after seeing the other quilter's work,general feelings of inadequacy.
Quilt Show : noun; much like the event listed above except participants do not usually sleep over at the site, they instead spend copious amounts of money driving to the show , staying in motels, eating at restaurants and re-packing their purchases so that spouses will not suspect their known addiction.
This delusional period lasts until the credit card bills arrive; which is offset
by seeing how much the spouse spent while they were at the Quilt Show!
Quilt Shop Owner: noun; selfless individual that gives away free info, samples and demonstrations; also organizes retreats for the aforementioned "Quilters"-a daunting task in itself.
Holds classes in their shop and orders exactly the right fabrics ; cuts fat quarters, for enabling the addicted and , like any dealer for the addicted, answers their phone over and over when they call- sometimes with the same questions as in the A.D.D. Quilter.
Quilting: verb; the act of sewing batting , quilt top and backing together in a pleasing manner; a rare event sometimes taking years to occur. It is referred to as a UFO at this stage until the completion period actually occurs.
Quilt In A Day: noun; Mythical tv show on PBS hosted by Eleanor Burns, who touts her methods to produce a quilt in a day. Fairy Tale for adult quilters, nice before a nap, and after a nice glass of wine.
rotary club: a quilters self-help group;
or a hand condition caused by overuse of a rotary cutter;
has been implicated in at least one assault on a complaining spouse....
ruler: noun; device used for measuring; as in fabrics.
Also queen / king of any quilt retreat. Overachiever quilter.
Scissors: noun; Antique tool for cutting quilt fabrics; replaced by rotary cutters. Still in use, usually in miniature form.
sewing machine: noun; a device enabling the above mentioned addiction. Usually costing more and more, and becoming more elaborate as the addiction continues.
Stash: noun; May have referred to a drug addiction in quilter's past- now always means a
dedicated lot of fabrics hidden away for that perfect pattern....usually many, many of these, stored in various containers throughout the sewing area.
UFO: noun; an unfinished object or creation of quilting habit. They are real, and exist wherever there are quilters.