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Joke/Inspiration of the Day #2

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ls2116 replied on Wed, Jan 16 2013 4:13 PM | Locked

Thanks Ramona I needed a good laugh!

Quilting My Rainbow

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ls2116 replied on Wed, Jan 16 2013 4:19 PM | Locked

Oh my...

Quilting My Rainbow

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Ginny replied on Wed, Jan 16 2013 4:29 PM | Locked

Good one Dawn.    lol   Ginny

 

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Marie replied on Wed, Jan 16 2013 4:54 PM | Locked

Dawn, I really like this one.  Old codger!

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Leslie replied on Wed, Jan 16 2013 6:46 PM | Locked

Ramona, roflol loved it

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Thu, Jan 17 2013 4:32 PM | Locked
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "
God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
 
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
 
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,
 
so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
 
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
 
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Marge (AKA Dimples)

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Thu, Jan 17 2013 4:53 PM | Locked

Marie - the Archie Bunker piece was funny!!!!!!

Dawn - loved the "senior citizen" joke.

Marge (AKA Dimples)

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Ramona replied on Thu, Jan 17 2013 7:04 PM | Locked

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Florida recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. 

The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? ' 

' Naw, sir ‘, replied the redneck. ‘I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. ' 

' Pet fish? ' 

' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swims ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. ' 

' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. ' 

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. ' 

' O. K... ‘, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this! ' 

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. 

After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? ' 

' Well, what? ‘, says the redneck. 

The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? ' 

' Call who back? ' 

' The FISH ‘, replied the warden! 

‘What fish? ‘, replied the redneck. 

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!

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Nana replied on Fri, Jan 18 2013 10:46 AM | Locked

Marge

ROFLOL   Love it...golf pro dropped dead.

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Nana replied on Fri, Jan 18 2013 10:48 AM | Locked

Ramona

That one is great...LOL

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Debbie-do replied on Sat, Jan 19 2013 8:44 AM | Locked

LOL... if I didn't know better I'd think this was in my back yard.  Yes, I admit it... I'm  a cat lady...

Photo

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Ramona replied on Mon, Jan 21 2013 5:49 PM | Locked

You may have heard before but had to share. 

  A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews talking.
 
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
 
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
Calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?'"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me ?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you  profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked," Why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 62 years."
 

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Ramona replied on Mon, Jan 21 2013 5:53 PM | Locked

Debbie,

Too cute. I'm a cat lady too but can't bring myself to getting any more animals after my last two cats died. This picture is so cute. My Mom has two but feeds lots of strays. I've heard some states are passing laws that you but so many cats. I think I heard one state was two and another was five.  I know someone that has about twenty some cats. Some were his Dad's and he keeps his Dad's house so the cats can stay in it. He goes there twice a day. He also has a buidling in his back yard that he has cats in.  A little too much for me. LOL

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Ramona replied on Mon, Jan 21 2013 6:24 PM | Locked

Sorry....one more.....


WIVES DON'T FORGET OLD BOYFRIEND
 

  Boudreaux take his wife,
 Cloteele, to a dance
 down on the bayou, las' weekend. 
  There was this guy on the dance floor dancin' like crazy - breakdancin',  
moonwalkin', back flips--the whole works. Cloteele turn to Boudreaux and say,   
"See dat guy? Twenty-five year ago, he propose to me and I turn him down."   
Boudreaux paused and say, "Look like he still celebratin'!"

 

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Pam replied on Mon, Jan 21 2013 6:57 PM | Locked

Those are some cute jokes!

 

This one is kinda long but I like it- It's Quilter's Dictionary

 

Attention Deficit Disorder  Quilter: May be diagnosed as such, If they say and do things like:

 

          "I love quilting- want to see my UFO pile? Oh come on; you have them too...what?

          They don't have their own room?! Why not?"

 

          "I started a new quilt to day; now where did I put it, or my ruler, hey, where's my  sewing machine?! Oh yeah, I took it to quilt retreat it's still in the car....."

 

          "Want to see my latest work; ooh cake- I like cake! What is today? Oh look a tree! I  like trees....oh, hi there; what were you here for again?"

 

          " I know I put it here a minute ago- Oh! There are my second set of keys!"

 

          " Let's see, cut 2 strips at 2 1/2" and sew....wait cut 2 strips at 2 1/2" and  sew....wait...didn't I just cut those...wait cut 2 strips....where did I just lay those           strips?"

 

 

Big Foot:  noun; a real thing!  A foot for machine quilting; allowing for larger "tracks" of   quilting lines.

 

Design Wall: noun;  usually a dollar store flannel backed table cloth tacked to a wall in a  sewing room, used to audition placement of blocks before sewing                                    together. Generally becomes a thread bunny infested wad of hideously  mismatched squares of fabrics, frightening anyone who sees it. ADD                           Quilters may have several of these as they tend to forget where the previous ones were located.

 

fabric: noun;  material used to make quilts;

            addicting substance identified by hoarding, stashing and searching for more;

            generally diagnosed by examining the quilter's sewing room and bank account.

 

Fat Quarter; noun; NEVER refers to any part of the female anatomy! 

                    A fabric piece developed by quilt shop owners in order to satisfy a quilter's desire for the latest patterns,

           ( and who may be trying to manage their fabric addiction, i.e. "stash" see below*).           Although a smaller size than yardage, can become just as unmanageable  and may actually be more addicting!  

 

irony :  adv.; opposite of wrinkly. Important to quilters and dry cleaners only.

 

needle: noun; sewing device with a hole in it called an eye; from base word 'need' and                letter 'L' for little extra, always referring to fabric.

 

One Thread width: term;  invisible, rarely, if ever, attained. Ridiculous measurement devised by an anally retentive quilt designer; causing none of their patterns to ever attain perfection by the non-anal quilter,

especially the ADD Quilter ( see above*) who will check themselves into the nearest mental health facility or will self medicate on barbiturates and wine while trying to machine quilt the rag they just created with this pattern.

 

Quarter inch seam; noun; seemingly unattainable measurement gained by most quilting feet; sewing machines and quilters; however differs widely between all the above!

 

Quilter: noun; one who takes perfectly good fabrics, cuts them into pieces and sews  them all back together, in a difficult pattern no less!

 

Quilt:  noun; product of insanity listed above;

                     which usually , after many hours of hard work, is given away!

                  

Quilt Retreat: noun; an event which is an excuse for buying fabrics, tools and snacks, but   definitely is  NOT a treatment facility for the two definitions listed above;

                        generally occurs over several days where participants sleep over on hard bunks; usually resulting in lack of sleep, a weight gain, constipation,                               overspending and after seeing the other quilter's work,general feelings of inadequacy.        

 

Quilt Show :  noun; much like the event listed above except participants do not usually sleep over at the site, they instead spend copious amounts of money                                 driving to the show , staying in motels, eating at restaurants and re-packing their purchases so that spouses will not suspect their known addiction.

                        This delusional period lasts until the credit card bills arrive; which is offset

                        by seeing how much the spouse spent while they were at the Quilt Show!   

 

Quilt Shop Owner:    noun; selfless individual that gives away free info, samples and demonstrations; also organizes retreats for the aforementioned "Quilters"-a daunting task in itself. 

Holds classes in their shop and orders exactly the right fabrics ; cuts   fat quarters, for enabling the  addicted and , like any dealer for the addicted, answers their phone over and over when they call- sometimes with the same questions as in the A.D.D. Quilter.

                       

Quilting:     verb; the act of sewing batting , quilt top and backing together in a pleasing  manner; a rare event sometimes taking years to occur. It is referred to as a              UFO at this stage until the completion period actually occurs.

 

Quilt In A Day: noun;  Mythical  tv show on PBS hosted by Eleanor Burns, who touts her  methods to produce a quilt in a day. Fairy Tale for adult quilters, nice before a                  nap, and after a nice glass of wine.

 

 

 

rotary club: a quilters self-help group;

                     or a hand condition caused by overuse of a rotary cutter;

                     has been implicated in at least one assault on a complaining spouse....

 

ruler:     noun; device used for measuring; as in fabrics.

                     Also queen / king of any quilt retreat. Overachiever quilter.

 

 

Scissors: noun; Antique tool for cutting quilt fabrics; replaced by rotary cutters. Still in use,   usually in miniature form.

 

sewing machine: noun; a device enabling the above mentioned addiction. Usually costing more and more, and becoming more elaborate  as the addiction continues.

 

Stash: noun;  May have referred to a drug addiction in quilter's past- now always means a

              dedicated lot of fabrics hidden away for that perfect pattern....usually many, many  of these, stored in various containers throughout the sewing area.

 

 

UFO:            noun; an unfinished object or creation of quilting habit. They are real, and exist wherever there are quilters.

 

 

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