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Joke/Inspiration of the Day #2

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Debbie-do replied on Thu, Jan 10 2013 5:30 PM | Locked

I found this on Facebook at the Olfa page with the caption, "We're teaching the dogs to rotary cut next." Too cute!

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Southwest of San Antonio

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Nana replied on Thu, Jan 10 2013 6:30 PM | Locked

Debbie

I saw this one on facebook somewhere.  It is really cute.

Vinton, Virginia

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Kris replied on Thu, Jan 10 2013 6:45 PM | Locked

Marie:

I should've said high, tipsy, feeling no pain, hammered, etc.  Drunk was a poor choice of word.  Hammered might be as well.  Sorry Kris.

LOL Marie. 

Love the sex therapist joke too.

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Kris replied on Thu, Jan 10 2013 6:48 PM | Locked

Debbie-do:
I found this on Facebook at the Olfa page with the caption, "We're teaching the dogs to rotary cut next." Too cute!

Very cute.

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 9:33 AM | Locked

Haven't been on this thread in quite a while so here's one for you all. 

The Polish Golf Club Championship

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are
tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley
descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into
the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the
hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but
there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed
each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They
quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf
balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of
the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament
official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club
Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and
hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf
balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

"Which one of you is playing the orange ball?”

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

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Kris replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 12:53 PM | Locked

LOL Marge.

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 2:28 PM | Locked

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Thelma.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Thelma a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Thelma came to
life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Thelma's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Thelma should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Thelma the moment she walked in the door. 'What the
hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang
on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's
friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Thelma. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Thelma made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel,
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat
screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Thelma's collapse. We discovered that Thelma had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

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Ginny replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 3:07 PM | Locked

OMG, Marge,   uh-uh-uh,  let me catch my breath.   It's a good thing that no one was home with me to watch me laugh and laugh and suddenly jump up and run to the bathroom.   Oh my---- I have tears in my eyes.   Ginny

 

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Mimi replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 3:41 PM | Locked

Marge You should really warn people to use the potty and get some tissues before they read this.  I can hardly breathe w/o laughing. Oh my goodness.  I needed that good laugh.  I've been packing up the kitchen for 2 hours.

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Nana replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 4:07 PM | Locked

Marge

That is too funny.  The visual I go on that one wasn't to be believed.....ROFLOL

Vinton, Virginia

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 4:17 PM | Locked

I hope no one was drinking anything when they read it.  :o) 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

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Bonita replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 4:25 PM | Locked

Marge (AKA Dimples):

I hope no one was drinking anything when they read it.  :o) 

No thank goodness, but I could hardly read after the cat, I was laughing to hard.

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gini replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 5:21 PM | Locked

for crying out loud marge, will you put warning labels up first, now i have to clean my keyboard. 

gini in north idaho

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Ramona replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 7:59 PM | Locked

I won't  be able to top poor Thelma but here's my two cents for the evening.

PREGNANT AT 71

An elderly woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
older doctors.

...
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she
ran down the hall.

A younger doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him
her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The young doctor marched down the hallway back to where the old doctor was
writing on his clipboard.

"What the heck is the matter with you?!" the young doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry
is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?!"

The old doctor continued writing, and without looking up said, "Does she still
have the hiccups?"

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gini replied on Sat, Jan 12 2013 8:05 PM | Locked

good one ramona

gini in north idaho

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