Top 10 Posters

Joke/Inspiration of the Day #2

Page 28 of 59 (879 items) « First ... < Previous 26 27 28 29 30 Next > ... Last » | RSS

rated by 0 users
This post has 878 Replies | 28 Followers

Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 4,667
Points 65,685
Bonita replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 1:59 PM | Locked

Yes Marie my strange mind could read it just fine. I think that I can't spell worth a darn might help with that. LOL

  • | Post Points: 35
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 2:32 PM | Locked

God said, "Adam, I
want you to do 
something for 
Me."
 

Adam 
said, "Gladly, 
Lord, what do You 
want me to do?" 


God said, "Go down 
into that 
valley."
 

Adam said, "What's 
a valley?" 


God explained it to him
. 

Then God said, 
"Cross the 
river."


Adam said, "What's a 
river?"
 

God explained that 
to him, and then said, 
"Go over to the 
hill....."
 

Adam said,
 

"What is a 
hill?" 



So, God explained to 
Adam what a hill was. 
He told Adam, "On the
other side of the hill
you will find a cave... 


Adam said, 'What's a 
cave?'
 

After God explained, 
He 
said, "In the cave
you will find a woman." 



Adam said, "What's a 
woman?'
 

So God explained 
that to him, too. 
Then, God said, 'I
want you 
to 
reproduce."


Adam said, "How do
I do 
that?" 


God first said (under 
His breath), "Geez....."
 

And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to 
Adam, as 
well.
 

So, Adam goes down 
into 
the valley, 

across the river, and 
over the hill, 
into the 
cave, and finds the
woman. 


Then, in 
about five minutes, he was back. 


God, 
His patience 
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is 
it
now?"
 

And Adam said....
 


*
 

*
 


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE This!!!!!!) 


*


* 



*


*

*

"What's a
headache?"

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 50
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 2:39 PM | Locked

Bonita:

Yes Marie my strange mind could read it just fine. I think that I can't spell worth a darn might help with that. LOL

Gee Bonita - I never thought of that.  Shoot, I just thought I had a unique brain and now you have shot me down.  :o)  Just kidding!!!!

 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 2:40 PM | Locked

CATHOLIC  HORSES
 
One  day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th  race. 
 
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
 
Before  the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the  race.
 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously        waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race The  priest again blessed a horse.
 
Mitch bet big on it, and  it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
 
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash  to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing  that would tell him which horse to bet on.
 
True to his  pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old  nag.   Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
 
He  then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father!        What happened?
 
All day long you blessed horses and  they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a  Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
 
The  priest nodded wisely and with sympathy
 
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites .'
 
 
 
 
 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 9,443
Points 127,604
Spudgrandma replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 2:57 PM | Locked

Good one Marge... :)

Life is like a quilt...bits & pieces, joy & sorrow, stitched with love

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 4,667
Points 65,685
Bonita replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 3:16 PM | Locked

Two good ones Marge.

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,262
Points 173,163
Marie replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 3:29 PM | Locked

Loved it Marge!

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,262
Points 173,163
Marie replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 3:32 PM | Locked

Loved that one too Marge!

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sun, Nov 11 2012 4:21 PM | Locked
At last - blond women rejoice!!!!!

Blonde MEN Jokes 

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." 
------------------------------------ 


Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take 

them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." 
------------------------------------ 



A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." 
------------------------------------ 


A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." 
------------------------------ 


A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet." 
------------------------------------ 


A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. 
------------------------------------ 


A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" 
------------------------------------ 


A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!" 
------------------------------------ 


A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies. 
------------------------------------ 


A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him 

hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. 
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." 
------------------------------------ 


(This one actually makes sense.) 
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers 

always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." 
 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 24,447
Points 361,732
Kris replied on Mon, Nov 12 2012 1:36 AM | Locked

Great jokes as usual Marge.

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,717
Points 436,720
Nana replied on Mon, Nov 12 2012 8:32 AM | Locked

Marie

Yep I can read both of your messages.  These things are really neat and it is amazing that our mind can work like that.

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,717
Points 436,720
Nana replied on Mon, Nov 12 2012 8:33 AM | Locked

Marge

LOL.

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,262
Points 173,163
Marie replied on Tue, Nov 13 2012 7:40 AM | Locked

Marge!  ROFLOL

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,262
Points 173,163
Marie replied on Tue, Nov 13 2012 7:42 AM | Locked

Long, but worth the read.
Letter from an airline pilot:
He writes: My lead flight attendant came to me and said, "We have an H.R. On this flight." (H.R. Stands for human remains.) "Are they military?" I asked. 

'Yes', she said. 

'Is there an escort?' I asked. 

'Yes, I've already assigned him a seat'. 

'Would you please tell him to come to the flight deck. You can board him early," I said.. 

A short while later, a young army sergeant entered the flight deck. He was the image of the perfectly dressed soldier. He introduced himself and I asked him about his soldier. The escorts of these fallen soldiers talk about them as if they are still alive and still with us. 

'My soldier is on his way back to 
Virginia ,' he said. He proceeded to answer my questions, but offered no words.

I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he said no. I told him that he had the toughest job in the military and that I appreciated the work that he does for the families of our fallen soldiers. The first officer and I got up out of our seats to shake his hand. He left the flight deck to find his seat. 

We completed our pre-flight checks, pushed back and performed an uneventful departure. About 30 minutes into our flight I received a call from the lead flight attendant in the cabin. 'I just found out the family of the soldier we are carrying, is on board', she said. She then proceeded to tell me that the father, mother, wife and 2-year old daughter were escorting their son, husband, and father home. The family was upset because they were unable to see the container that the soldier was in before we left. We were on our way to a major hub at which the family was going to wait four hours for the connecting flight home to 
Virginia .

The father of the soldier told the flight attendant that knowing his son was below him in the cargo compartment and being unable to see him was too much for him and the family to bear. He had asked the flight attendant if there was anything that could be done to allow them to see him upon our arrival. The family wanted to be outside by the cargo door to watch the soldier being taken off the airplane. I could hear the desperation in the flight attendants voice when she asked me if there was anything I could do. 'I'm on it', I said. I told her that I would get back to her.

Airborne communication with my company normally occurs in the form of e-mail like messages. I decided to bypass this system and contact my flight dispatcher directly on a
Secondary radio. There is a radio operator in the operations control center who connects you to the telephone of the dispatcher. I was in direct contact with the dispatcher. I explained the situation I had on board with the family and what it was the family wanted. He said he understood and that he would get back to me. 

Two hours went by and I had not heard from the dispatcher. We were going to get busy soon and I needed to know what to tell the family. I sent a text message asking for an update. I 
Saved the return message from the dispatcher and the following is the text: 

'Captain, sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. There is policy on this now and I had to check on a few things. Upon your arrival a dedicated escort team will meet the aircraft. 
The team will escort the family to the ramp and plane side. A van will be used to load the remains with a secondary van for the family. The family will be taken to their departure area and escorted into the terminal where the remains can be seen on the ramp. It is a private area for the family only. When the connecting aircraft arrives, the family will be escorted onto the ramp and plane side to watch the remains being loaded for the final leg home. Captain, most of us here in flight control are veterans.. Please pass our condolences on to the family. Thanks.'
I sent a message back telling flight control thanks for a good job. I printed out the message and gave it to the lead flight attendant to pass on to the father. The lead flight attendant was very thankful and told me, 'You have no idea how much this will mean to them.' 

Things started getting busy for the descent, approach and landing. After landing, we cleared the runway and taxied to the ramp area. The ramp is huge with 15 gates on either side of the alleyway. It is always a busy area with aircraft maneuvering every which way to enter and exit. When we entered the ramp and checked in with the ramp controller, we were told
That all traffic was being held for us. 

'There is a team in place to meet the aircraft', we were told. It looked like it was all coming together, then I realized that once we turned the seat belt sign off, everyone would stand up at once and delay the family from getting off the airplane. As we approached our gate, I asked the co-pilot to tell the ramp controller we were going to stop short of the gate to
make an announcement to the passengers. He did that and the ramp controller said, 'Take your time.' 

I stopped the aircraft and set the parking brake. I pushed the public address button and said, 'Ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking I have stopped short of our gate to make a special announcement. We have a passenger on board who deserves our honor and respect. His Name is Private XXXXXX, a soldier who recently lost his life. Private XXXXXX is under your feet in the cargo hold. Escorting him today is Army Sergeant XXXXXXX. Also, on board are his father, mother, wife, and daughter. Your entire flight crew is asking for all passengers to remain in their seats to allow the family to exit the aircraft first. Thank you.' 

We continued the turn to the gate, came to a stop and started our shutdown procedures. A couple of minutes later I opened the cockpit door. I found the two forward flight attendants crying, something you just do not see. I was told that after we came to a stop, every passenger on the aircraft stayed in their seats, waiting for the family to exit the aircraft. 

When the family got up and gathered their things, a passenger slowly started to clap his hands. Moments later more passengers joined in and soon the entire aircraft was
clapping. Words of 'God Bless You', I'm sorry, thank you, be proud, and other kind words were uttered to the family as they made their way down the aisle and out of the airplane. 

They were escorted down to the ramp to finally be with their loved one. 

Many of the passengers disembarking thanked me for the announcement I had made. They were just words, I told them, I could say them over and over again, but nothing I say will bring back that brave soldier. 

I respectfully ask that all of you reflect on this event and the sacrifices that millions of our men and women have made to ensure our freedom and safety in these 
USACanada, Australia New Zealand, England.
                                                    
Foot note: 

I know everyone who has served their country who reads this will have tears in their eyes, including me. 

Prayer chain for our Military... Don't break it! 

Please send this on after a short prayer for our service men and women.

Don't break it! 

They die for me and mine and you and yours and deserve our honor and respect.

'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us..bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need.. In Jesus Name, Amen.' 

There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best one. 

GOD BLESS YOU!!!
 
      

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 50
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 3,502
Points 50,685
Ginny replied on Tue, Nov 13 2012 8:27 AM | Locked

Marie, How touching.  I have tears in my eyes... and rolling down my cheeks.   Ginny

 

  • | Post Points: 5
Page 28 of 59 (879 items) « First ... < Previous 26 27 28 29 30 Next > ... Last » | RSS
Have a Question? | About Us | Privacy Policy | Join Today © 2014 F+W All rights reserved.
By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use