Top 10 Posters

Joke/Inspiration of the Day #2

Page 17 of 59 (879 items) « First ... < Previous 15 16 17 18 19 Next > ... Last » | RSS

rated by 0 users
This post has 878 Replies | 28 Followers

Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Tue, Oct 9 2012 4:25 PM | Locked

Ehh - what did you say Marie???  :o) 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Tue, Oct 9 2012 4:26 PM | Locked

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell,...... cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ......
pregnant when you met her."


Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 35
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 11,653
Points 136,022
Leslie replied on Tue, Oct 9 2012 6:40 PM | Locked

OH Marge, roflol

[Ava, Missouri

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,720
Points 436,870
Nana replied on Wed, Oct 10 2012 11:21 PM | Locked

Marge ROFLOL

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,364
Points 174,888
Marie replied on Fri, Oct 12 2012 11:04 AM | Locked

Another one from my dear warped minded friends.

Hairy Armpit

A large woman, wearing  a  sleeveless sundress,

 

walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy

 

armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

 

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"



The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.



But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down

 

on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"



The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned

 

to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the

 

same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"



Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina      another drink!"



The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your

 

business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep

 

calling her a ballerina?"



The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 25 Contributor
Posts 5,108
Points 109,585
chocake2 replied on Fri, Oct 12 2012 1:28 PM | Locked

Dh  has been watching classic  horror flicks all month. 'Got me to thinking about what would happen if a Gardener fallowed Frankenstien's example and made a monster.

 It would have:
A cabbage Head
2 ears of corn
Potatoe eyes
a turnip tip nose
Celery ribs
14 carrot fingers
A squash(y) butt
Toma - Toes
And of course, an Artichoke heart. Or perhaps a Heart beet...
Lets  just not go into the sweet pea......
If it were a girl, someone would have to tell her that she can't elope with Frankenstein's creature. He'd squash her. Besides, he'd only be interested in her melons, anyway...

Quilters are people who strip so they won't go topless.

  • | Post Points: 35
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,364
Points 174,888
Marie replied on Fri, Oct 12 2012 3:22 PM | Locked

Very very clever, CC!  LOL for the melons.

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sat, Oct 13 2012 9:57 AM | Locked


Carl

Carl was a quiet man. He didn't  talk much.

He would always greet you with a  big smile and a firm handshake.

Even  after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years,  

No one could really say they knew him very  well.

Before his retirement, he took the  bus to work each morning.

The lone sight of  him walking down the street often worried us.  

He had a slight limp from a bullet wound  received in WWII.

Watching him, we  worried that although he had survived WWII,  

He may not
Make it through our changing  uptown neighborhood with its ever-increasing random  violence, gangs, and drug activity.

When  he saw the flyer at our local church asking for  volunteers for caring for the gardens behind the  minister's residence, he responded in his  characteristically unassuming manner. Without  fanfare, he just signed up.

He was well  into his 87th year when the very thing we had always  feared finally happened.

He was just  finishing his watering for the day when three gang  members approached him.

Ignoring their  attempt to intimidate him, he simply asked,  

"Would you like a drink from the hose?"  

The tallest and toughest-looking of the  three said, "Yeah, sure," with a malevolent little  smile.

As Carl offered the hose to him, the  other two grabbed Carl's arm, throwing him down.  

As the hose snaked crazily over the ground,  dousing everything in its way, Carl's  assailants
Stole his retirement watch and his  wallet, and then fled.

Carl tried to get  himself up, but he had been thrown down on his bad  leg.

He lay there trying to gather himself  as the minister came running to help him.  

Although the minister had witnessed the  attack from his window, he couldn't get there fast  enough to stop it.

"Carl, are you okay?  Are you hurt?" the minister kept asking as he helped  Carl to his feet.

Carl just passed a  hand over his brow and sighed, shaking his head.  

"Just some punk kids. I hope they'll wise-up  someday."

His wet clothes clung to his  slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose.  

He adjusted the nozzle again and started to  water.

Confused and a little concerned,  the minister asked, "Carl, what are you doing?"  

"I've got to finish my watering. It's been  very dry lately," came the calm reply.  

Satisfying himself that Carl
Really was  all right, the minister could only marvel.  

Carl was a man from a different time and  place.

A few weeks later the three returned.  Just as before their threat was unchallenged.  

Carl again offered them a drink from his  hose.

This time they didn't rob him.  

They wrenched the hose from his hand and  drenched him head to foot in the icy water.  

When they had finished their humiliation of  him, they sauntered off down the street, throwing  catcalls and curses, falling over one another  laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done.  

Carl just watched them.

Then he  turned toward the warmth giving sun, picked up his  hose, and went on with his watering.

The  summer was quickly fading into fall Carl was doing  some tilling when he was startled by the sudden  approach of someone behind him.

He stumbled  and fell into some evergreen branches.

As he  struggled to regain
His footing, he turned to see  the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching  down for him. He braced himself for the expected  attack.


         
"Don't worry  old man, I'm not gonna hurt you this time."  

The young man spoke softly, still offering  the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl. As he helped  Carl get up, the man pulled a crumpled bag from his  pocket and handed it to Carl.

"What's this?"  

Carl asked. "It's your stuff," the man  explained. "It's your stuff back.

Even the  money in your wallet." "I don't understand," Carl  said. "Why would you help me now?"

The man  shifted his feet, seeming embarrassed and ill at  ease. "I learned something from you," he said. "I  ran with that gang and hurt people like you we  picked you because you were old and we knew we could  do it But every time we came and did something to  you, instead of yelling and fighting back, you tried  to give us a drink.
You didn't hate us for hating  you. You kept showing love against our hate."  

He stopped for a moment. "I couldn't sleep  after we stole your stuff, so here it is back."  

He paused for another awkward moment, not  knowing what more there was to say. "That bag's my  way of saying thanks for straightening me out, I  guess." And with that, he walked off down the  street.


Carl looked down at the sack in  his hands and gingerly opened it. He took out his  retirement watch and put it back on his wrist.  Opening his wallet, he checked for his wedding  photo. He gazed for a moment at the young bride that  still smiled back at him from all those years ago.  

He died one cold day after Christmas that  winter. Many people attended his funeral in spite of  the weather.

In particular the minister  noticed a tall young man that he didn't know sitting  quietly in a distant corner of the church.  

The minister spoke of Carl's  garden as a lesson in life.

In a voice  made thick with unshed tears, he said, "Do your best  and make your garden as beautiful as you can. We  will never forget Carl and his garden."

The  following spring another flyer went up. It read:  "Person needed to care for Carl's garden."  

The flyer went unnoticed by the busy  parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at  the minister's office door.

Opening the  door, the minister saw a pair of scarred and  tattooed hands holding the flyer. "I believe this is  my job, if you'll have me," the young man said.  

The minister recognized him as the same  young man who had returned the stolen watch and  wallet to Carl.

He knew that Carl's kindness  had turned this man's life around. As the minister  handed him the keys to the garden shed, he said,  "Yes, go take care of Carl's garden and honor him."  

The man went to work and, over the next  several years, he tended the flowers  and
vegetables just as Carl had done.  

During that time, he went to college, got  married, and became a prominent member of the  community. But he never forgot his promise to Carl's  memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he  thought Carl would have kept it.

One day he  approached the new minister and told him that he  couldn't care for the garden any longer. He  explained with a shy and happy smile, "My wife just  had a baby boy last night, and she's bringing him  home on Saturday."

"Well, congratulations!"  said the minister, as he was handed the garden shed  keys. "That's wonderful! What's the baby's name?"  


"Carl," he replied.

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sat, Oct 13 2012 9:59 AM | Locked

Marie - you are so bad.  :o) 

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,314
Points 154,598
Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sat, Oct 13 2012 10:00 AM | Locked

Cute veggie Frankenstein CC

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 13,364
Points 174,888
Marie replied on Sat, Oct 13 2012 12:05 PM | Locked

Marge I know I'm bad, I'll try to behave.  It's the crowd I hang out with.  We're going strait to h--l!  :  )   

But you are good with the Carl story and all the others that give me goose bumps and make me feel warm all over, thanks.  (((((HUGS)))))

Millbury, MA

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 11,653
Points 136,022
Leslie replied on Sun, Oct 14 2012 6:49 AM | Locked

Marie, your a hoot roflol

[Ava, Missouri

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 19,778
Points 248,014
Barbara replied on Sun, Oct 14 2012 7:56 AM | Locked
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.



The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"



THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."



A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.



THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.



WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.



THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.



THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.



THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.



THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.



THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."



THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:



1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.



I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


document.write("-->

");

Liberty,Missouri

EAT!! SLEEP !! QUILT!!

  • | Post Points: 50
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 3,520
Points 50,910
Ginny replied on Sun, Oct 14 2012 9:11 AM | Locked

Love the story, Barbara.    Ginny

 

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 6,398
Points 119,581
Patti replied on Sun, Oct 14 2012 10:00 AM | Locked

what a way to start the day, with tears and smiles.  Thanks Marge and Barbara.

Patti

Chiliwist Valley

  • | Post Points: 20
Page 17 of 59 (879 items) « First ... < Previous 15 16 17 18 19 Next > ... Last » | RSS
Have a Question? | About Us | Privacy Policy | Join Today © 2014 F+W All rights reserved.
By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use