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Joke/Inspiration of the Day #2

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Kris replied on Mon, Sep 24 2012 3:16 PM | Locked

Vivian :
I think my house is on fire..... Oh wait.....it's me...

Where are these firemen located? They don't look like that around here. Then again that might be a good thing. LOL

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Kris replied on Mon, Sep 24 2012 3:18 PM | Locked

Good one Clare.

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Ms MoomMist replied on Tue, Sep 25 2012 11:18 AM | Locked

Today, I made this little sign and posted it on Facebook. I have 2 sons, one lives about a mile from me and the other lives 1300 miles in Florida. The son, Pat, who lives a mile away only stops by to drop off my grandson for me to watch and to pick him up. So I seldom see him. I'm still waiting for his response to this:

 

My oldest in Florida, posted back to Facebook. "Hey, Pat say Hi for me because I can't, I'm busy today... Hi Mom.

I still haven't heard anything from Pat, but it is early and he is very busy. LOL

Have a great day!

 

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Kris replied on Tue, Sep 25 2012 12:25 PM | Locked

Very "subtle" Ms MoomMist, LOL. Hopefully you'll be seeing more of Pat real soon.

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Marie replied on Tue, Sep 25 2012 7:13 PM | Locked

Ms MoomMist:
Today, I made this little sign and posted it on Facebook

Let me know if it works MM, I may borrow that sign.

Millbury, MA

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Ms MoomMist replied on Tue, Sep 25 2012 9:32 PM | Locked

Marie:

Ms MoomMist:
Today, I made this little sign and posted it on Facebook

Let me know if it works MM, I may borrow that sign.

LOL, nope didn't work! but you may certainly pinch the sign... Just my Michael (the one I was so hard on when he was a little guy) said hi mom and he is in Florida and no way to get to PA. lol.

 

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Ms MoomMist replied on Tue, Sep 25 2012 9:33 PM | Locked

Kris:

Very "subtle" Ms MoomMist, LOL. Hopefully you'll be seeing more of Pat real soon.

Thanks Kris. He texts his step-father almost every morning about the clubs' jackpots though. DH seems to love that!

 

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Vivian replied on Wed, Sep 26 2012 9:59 AM | Locked

Back in the day when you didn't phone long distance for anything but an emergency, I sent my mom a letter that started with  "Dear  Viv" and ended with " love Mom " at the bottom of the page.  I sent along a self address stamped envelope and popped it in the mail with my letter.  She did send it  back but she wasn't great at writing or phoning. Some people just don't communicate.

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Leslie replied on Fri, Sep 28 2012 4:35 PM | Locked

[Ava, Missouri

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Clare replied on Fri, Sep 28 2012 6:55 PM | Locked

Leslie - I love it

Clare

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Debbie-do replied on Fri, Sep 28 2012 7:12 PM | Locked

LOL... words to live by!

Southwest of San Antonio

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Marie replied on Sat, Sep 29 2012 8:33 AM | Locked

Good one Leslie!

Millbury, MA

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Ramona replied on Sun, Sep 30 2012 10:17 AM | Locked

Take time to listen to the whole thing. :-) 72 y/o woman's prayer

   http://stg.do/9i0c

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Marge (AKA Dimples) replied on Sun, Sep 30 2012 2:39 PM | Locked



When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Marge (AKA Dimples)

Griffin, GA

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Marie replied on Mon, Oct 1 2012 11:14 AM | Locked

 Try reading this WITHOUT laughing till you cry!

                                          Betcha can't!


 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

 

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. 

The directions said that:

 

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and 

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it ,stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny li'l ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: 
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, 
one note of caution: 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! 
A three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Millbury, MA

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