Top 10 Posters

Joke/Inspiration of the Day #2

Page 1 of 59 (879 items) 1 2 3 4 5 Next > ... Last » | RSS

rated by 0 users
This post has 878 Replies | 28 Followers

Top 50 Contributor
Posts 2,935
Points 777,815
QCA Admin Posted: Tue, Aug 28 2012 8:47 AM | Locked

Hello All,

Due to the length of the previous Joke/Inspiration of the Day thread, I have locked it and opened this new one. You can read previous Jokes here.

QCA Mandy 

  • | Post Points: 35
Top 50 Contributor
Female
Posts 1,971
Points 27,675
Ramona replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 9:53 AM | Locked

Marge,

That gets more funny every time I watch it. Thanks for the morning laugh!

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 6,395
Points 119,521
Patti replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 10:04 AM | Locked

I had to go back and look up the link.  Good one.  It reminds me of when I and 3 of my college friends were in Victoria  BC.  We were on our way to a museum and saw an old lady crossing the street.  She was going so slow that we knew she wouldn't make it before the light turned green for the traffic.  So we turned around and walked with her back across the street.   More people, more visible, less likely she would get hit.  Got to talk with her.  She was on her way to the store.  102 years old!!  very chipper with a great wit. 

Patti

Chiliwist Valley

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 28,343
Points 414,779
gini replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 10:22 AM | Locked

good one marge

 and here's a dave barry funny,   i love his humor

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

 

Colonoscopy Journal:

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.

 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

 

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

 

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

gini in north idaho

  • | Post Points: 95
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 3,503
Points 50,705
Ginny replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 12:04 PM | Locked

OMG Gini,  it hurts to laugh that much.  It'a so close to being true.    Ginny

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 75 Contributor
Female
Posts 1,538
Points 23,130
Susie replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 12:26 PM | Locked

Oh, Gini!  That was awesome!  I'm with Ginny--my sides are just aching right now!

Chicagoland, Illinois

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 75 Contributor
Female
Posts 1,115
Points 14,375
Dawn replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 1:22 PM | Locked

OMW!!!!!!!!  the tears are rolling down my face! Tooooooo funny!  Love, love, love it!   Thanks soooo very much for the laughs!!!!

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 100 Contributor
Female
Posts 788
Points 20,025
Carol replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 8:41 PM | Locked

gini:

Colonoscopy Journal:

 

Funny (true, but still funny!) Only a great wri ter can make that sound hilarious!

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 27,717
Points 436,735
Nana replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 9:17 PM | Locked

Gini

This is great and pretty much true....ROFLOL

Vinton, Virginia

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 24,457
Points 361,872
Kris replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 11:47 PM | Locked

gini:
Colonoscopy Journal:

I love this. Thanks for the laugh Gini.

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 24,457
Points 361,872
Kris replied on Tue, Aug 28 2012 11:51 PM | Locked

Marge (AKA Dimples):
Kris - when you get yourself a replacement tea kettle, get one with a REALLY loud whistle on it.

The electric one still works just a funny colour now...On second thought one with a whistle would be helpful. LOL

I love the "Don't Honk at Old People" video. 

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 6,395
Points 119,521
Patti replied on Wed, Aug 29 2012 2:29 AM | Locked

I love Dave Barry.  I have several of his books. 

Patti

Chiliwist Valley

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 25 Contributor
Female
Posts 9,059
Points 170,797
MNnancy replied on Wed, Aug 29 2012 6:56 AM | Locked

OMG.... and I thought the Billy Connelly colonoscopy video was funny....  this column had me rolling on the floor!  Thanks, Gini!


On the banks of the Mississippi River in north central Minnesota (Brainerd lakes area)

  • | Post Points: 5
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 19,778
Points 248,014
Barbara replied on Wed, Aug 29 2012 7:07 AM | Locked

OMG gini if my mouth wasn't so sore I'd be laughing so hard. these are so true, I really think the prep is the worst part. I don't remember any of the rest , ,thanks goodness LOL  Barbara

Liberty,Missouri

EAT!! SLEEP !! QUILT!!

  • | Post Points: 20
Top 10 Contributor
Female
Posts 11,650
Points 135,977
Leslie replied on Wed, Aug 29 2012 5:16 PM | Locked

[Ava, Missouri

  • | Post Points: 80
Page 1 of 59 (879 items) 1 2 3 4 5 Next > ... Last » | RSS
Have a Question? | About Us | Privacy Policy | Join Today © 2014 F+W All rights reserved.
By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use