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What Are You Up to Today? #6

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Angele replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 7:48 AM | Locked

Oh Barbara, you know you've got to give yourself time.  It is ok to be off one day or two.  I know that you will get up because it's  in your nature to be up and care for others. Glued to see the next day was better.  Remember that we are here to get you through this.

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Barbara replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 7:53 AM | Locked

Angele, thank you ,I am doing much better today ,I think I was just worn out and need a couple of days to rest ,which is just what I did.  Now I'm  just about ready to hit the sewing room and get started for the day. gots lots to do and need to get them going and finished.  I still think of my mom everyday and its so hard not to pick up the phoneto call her . but I know she is better off where she is . I love her dearly .. Barbara

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Frances replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:03 AM | Locked

Vivian, Honey

I am so sorry i am divorced but my marriage was short so my divorce was not such a shock, i can certainly understand why youre devasted, any time you want to chat i tend to be on here when the rest are in bed, i wish you the best of luck big hugs sent to you (wish i could be there to hug you in person).

lots of love

Francesxx

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Angele replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:11 AM | Locked

Kelli, no one should have to deal with such comments.  This is the basic thing that we try so hard to teach the children in school.  Being with people from different background, ethnicities or religion is a gift.  This is where you learn about life and all the gifts it has to offer.

That man should be ashamed of himself for being so narrow minded and self centered.

keep your head high. Be proud of who you are.  You work, you are loved and love your family.  He is just stunted in mind.

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Sukochi replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:20 AM | Locked

Vivian, You do have friends here, LOTS of friends. You vent when ever you need to. I was very close to a divorce once. It is a scary time. But, perservere (or however you spell that). You will come out a better, happier person. Look at all your friends here who are divorced.

I agree with Barbara (have you noticed that everyone agrees with Barbara..) She is a very smart, caring person and has some really good advice. So, keep quilting. It is your port in this storm. Only cheerful thoughts allowed around your fabric!

Spud, thnkt you for the suggestion of those markers. I was ready to give up, last night. Went to bed and God put on my heart to grab my other, (I have 3), Bible and just read the scripture. Now, I can't wait to get back to it. I will get those markers TODAY. And, give all the others to Maddie!! I have brought a bunch of them.

Think we will get out and about today. I need so time away from this house. Sides, there is Christmas shopping to do. I have decided to give those with everything (i.e. inlaws) a gift of a flavored olive oil, a jar of sun dried tomatos., a bag of a fancy pasta, and a fancy spaghetti sauce, (someone does not make her own),  That should go over bigger then a movie gift card. They love to entertain. I will do the movie gift card to the younger inlaws, as a date night, and they can use the one's with the olive oil for a babysitter!!

Have a quilty day. (((HUGS))) to all who need them today. Prayers up/

 

Sukochi

 

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Thea replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:21 AM | Locked

Vivian :
My husband of 37 years and I have decided to call it quits so I am getting a diviorce for christmas.  Although it was mutual, I am devastated and having a very difficult time with the whole thing. E

Vivian, I have to say that it is so hard for me to understand - I was very happily married once a long time ago and my DH started stepping out on me.  I had no idea  - I was oblivious in my own little wonderful world where everything was right.  When I found out it devastated me and although we did try to piece it back together my world was shattered.  I had been married for almost 10 years to this man.  I know that this is the hardest decision that you had to make and I know your days will get better.  

I want to say first that I totally support any decision that you have made and will laugh and cry and play and work next to you at any time.  I only ask now that if you can sit back and think both you and your soon to be ex about the last 37 years - all that you have been through and think about what it was like right before you got married - what it was about each of you that made you want to get married in the first place.  37 years is such a long relationship to give up .  

I know by saying it that it is probably final and that you have done all of this and worked it all out - but if there is a chance that this is not what both of you want - if there is any chance at all that you can work it out - I would say try really hard to do that.  

But as I said - I totally support your decision because you are the one and only that can make that decision but as your friend I truly felt remiss in not saying anything about trying to keep it together... although knowing from experience that doesn't always happen and that sometimes it is better to walk away and make a new life.  I did and am totally happy in my life now - it took me another 10 years to find another man that I could allow myself to trust enough to give him my heart and I find still today that I hold back a little piece just in case he comes to me and tells me that he doesn't love me anymore.  

I am going to say some really special prayers of mine for you - that the Lord envelope you during this time and lift you up so that he is walking for you until such time that you are able to put both your feet on the ground and walk by yourself in peace and confidence again.  You are much loved - so never feel alone - 

I know the hardest thing for me back then was to believe in myself - it took me 10 long years to find the realization that I had to love myself before I could love anyone else and I was afraid and scared... I didn't have anyone to talk to - I had been completely cut off from all my friends during my marriage - he had totally destroyed me - I found a way to build myself back up and I know that you can do that too - I think it is easier today then it was when it happened to me - there was no such thing as the internet or blogs or social networks where you could find good friends to help you.  You are not alone!

 

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Angele replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:21 AM | Locked

Thea, I hope you are doing much better today.  Your Mother needed to hear you say.  Stop!   With her stroke, she lost, but the mild depression made her lost more.  Now you saying mom you need to do things for yourself otherwise I can't keep you here, she might just feel useful again in her own way.  I hope and pray that her attitude will continue to improve every day.  Yes your optimism is rubbing off on her! You know that you are an amazing woman Thea!

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Ginny replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:23 AM | Locked

Barbara,   I know what you mean about picking up the phone to talk to your Mom,  mine has been gone 8 years and I still think of calling her especially when I want to know something about the history of our family.   In fact, she came and called to me one day when I was on the computer.  It was as if she was at my bedroom door and called my name.  I answered "what?"  automatically without thinking.  Then I sat there wondering what that was all about and remembered that it was my brother and my aunt's birthdays and I hadn't called either of them, which I always do.  Oh, my ,I will never forget that.    But I always think of them around this time, they had a Christmas tree farm up north of me and sold trees to the public on a you pick basis or a ready cut basis.  They were one of the first ones to encourage people to go out and pick out their own.  They also wholesaled them to go to other states especially south.   Great memories.    Ginny

 

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Angele replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:33 AM | Locked

Oh Vivian, I'm so sorry.  Even though it was mutual, it is still a blow to see your life change so drastically.  Consider that we are all here to support you and listen to all.  Most of us have been affected by a divorce either directly or indirectly.  Take comfort that you have friends who will support and love you through it all.

my friend got a similar thing but for Valentines 11years ago.  The way she found out was that he closed all the accounts and she later found out that he had been trying to convince their common friends that she was nuts and that is why he needed to go.  It had been 30 years for them.  It was a long process to help her get through all the process, but with our love, help and pushes here and there, I have to say she is becoming a much more optimist person.  She is now believing in herself and it took her that long.  I'm very proud of her.

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Angele replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:41 AM | Locked

Thea I have to agree with you.  It took almost ten years for my friend to believe that she is smart and strong and that her children are there and love her for who she is.  Ending such a big part of your life can't be easy.  

But now you have an amazing husband who loves you for who you are.  In the long run you are way ahead.

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Thea replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 8:42 AM | Locked

Barbara:

Angele, thank you ,I am doing much better today ,I think I was just worn out and need a couple of days to rest ,which is just what I did.  Now I'm  just about ready to hit the sewing room and get started for the day. gots lots to do and need to get them going and finished.  I still think of my mom everyday and its so hard not to pick up the phoneto call her . but I know she is better off where she is . I love her dearly .. Barbara

Barbara - emotions where us out more then anything else I think - more definitely then hard work.  I know that if there wasn't some sort of bug going around that both you and I had the only reason I can find for both of us being so exhausted and tired were the emotions that we have been going through.  I know losing your Mom was and is rough on you.  To say it gets easier is cliche' but it is true.  As the days go by, you will go through the different phases of grief and some will be happy days and some sad and some angry - sometimes all of them in one day.  I still go through them after my Dad's death and that has been 8 years now - hard to believe - and I know DH still goes through it and he lost his Mom 10 years ago.  This time of year is especially tough for him - losing a parent during the holidays is very hard.  I think more so because of all the emotions we go through with the holidays.

For me, I think having to become tough and deal with all the emotions having my Mom in my house have brought me.  Bringing to the forefront all those things that I had stored way back in that locked room in my brain.  That room that never should have had the door opened again.  It has been really tough on me.  I was watching a program on television last night where this young man was visiting a Father whom had abused him and his Mother when he was a child - he visited him even though it hurt him very much - when asked he said he felt obligated and he wanted vindication from his Dad for why he had done the things he had done to him.  He was never going to get that vindication because his Dad's mind was gone from Alzheimers and his Dad had no recollection.  I have to deal with similar emotions with my Mom - she does remember but doesn't admit to any blame for what she did to me.  I have decided though to keep her in my house and take care of her - not from wanting vindication from her - and I have told myself I will treat her as I would want to be treated when the day arises that I am old and gray and need that help.  Does she deserve this from me?  Probably not!  But I am not her and am nothing like her and if I put her away in a nursing home to live out her days alone - well that just wouldn't be right.  But I have promised that should her being here threaten my health or cause me to be hospitalized from a heart attack then she will have to go.  

When I made these decisions it was like a great load lifted off my shoulders.  When I told her what I had decided, the stress I had been holding in released.  I had been trying to live her life and I put her life back in her hands.  I made it clear to her that I can not physically take care of her and that the doctors and nurses say that there is no reason why she can't take care of herself - she just can't live on her own.  So she is to take care of herself each day and when she stops then she will be admitted to a nursing home to have that care done for her.  

It has been 5 days now since I had this conversation with her - she and I both had been exhausted from the ordeal we have gone through since she came here.  I know I was exhausted from trying to figure things out.  I know she was exhausted from the emotions she was going through.  She is following the simple rules I laid out for her and both DH and I have seen a change in her.  She is starting to seem better and softer... not so cranky and the nasty looks have stopped.  

I wouldn't have believed that simply turning off the TV for at least 8 hours each day would make this much of a difference with my Mom but it seems to have.  I think that her brain has finally been able to get rest and although she doesn't agree with me she is still turning it off and leaving it off through out the night and part of the next day.  

I am hopeful that maybe I can have a nice relationship with my Mom for the last years she has left with us.  It is hard - I am dealing with a lot of garbage that she did to me early on in my life that is coming back to me now.  But the one thing I have on my side is the Lord - he is there totally with me and lifts me up each day!  Amazing, I would not know what to do right now if I didn't have the Lord in my life.

 

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ls2116 replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 9:18 AM | Locked

Barbara when my mom passed there was a quote that we found and I thank god for it.  It helps me yet today.  

It was something like: I am not far I am the wind blowing, well I remember that and think of the wind blowing in my face and know she's still there to guide,  listen , argue. 

Quilting My Rainbow

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Barbara replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 11:06 AM | Locked

Is , this is beautiful ,I will have to print this out. Thank you

Thea ,Ginny and Angele .thank you .I know it will get better

Thank you all .

Love 

Barbara

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Vivian replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 12:03 PM | Locked

Thea:
I know the hardest thing for me back then was to believe in myself - it took me 10 long years

I am seeing someone (a therapist not a man!!)  and we have come to the realization that my communication skills are somewhat lacking as his are so we ( if we are to ever reconcile and i doubt it) will have to work very hard.  My children do not seem to be upset or suprised so it makes you wonder.  I kept the house and I am surrounded by memories at every angle.  It makes it harder.  However, my husband had to move and he is a home body so it will be just as hard on him to be away from all that is familiar. 

And Frances, I may show up at your door someday.  can I sleep on your couch?  Freedom to go and do is a good thing.

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Frances replied on Sat, Dec 8 2012 12:08 PM | Locked

Vivian :

Thea:
I know the hardest thing for me back then was to believe in myself - it took me 10 long years

I am seeing someone (a therapist not a man!!)  and we have come to the realization that my communication skills are somewhat lacking as his are so we ( if we are to ever reconcile and i doubt it) will have to work very hard.  My children do not seem to be upset or suprised so it makes you wonder.  I kept the house and I am surrounded by memories at every angle.  It makes it harder.  However, my husband had to move and he is a home body so it will be just as hard on him to be away from all that is familiar. 

And Frances, I may show up at your door someday.  can I sleep on your couch?  Freedom to go and do is a good thing.

Always honey the hugs are always available virtual or in real life.

lots of love

Francesxx

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