Had a revelation the other day...
When I was in Arizona, Jim and I were at the shopping center where my accident occurred. I had a post traumatic stress episode and just started sobbing and then got angry. I've been to the area several times since my accident and felt nervousness, but have never reacted like this before. Poor Jim had no clue as to what is going on, why is Linda sobbing like that, and then why is she yelling? Meanwhile, he's trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible. Did I mention that there was a Barrett Jackson event going on? Traffic was far heavier than normal and you didn't get anywhere quickly. By the time we got home, I had managed to calm down a bit, but I became extremely depressed...for 5 weeks...and terribly homesick.
At the same time, the adoption went thru for my rescue puppy, Indy. I emailed my doctor explaining what happened and telling him that I didn't understand my reaction. I also told him about Indy, because he had told me I should get a therapy dog about 2 years previously. His answer....about time, cute dog. What?? What kind of answer was that?
With other health issues cropping up and now a puppy to look forward to, I started talking myself out of the depression. Afterall, I had come this far in 4 years and I'm still on this side of the grass. So why quit now, right? Besides being depressed, was no way to live. I have grandchildren and a puppy to live for and 2 sons to aggrevate if I haven't done so enough already.
The other day I was in with my doctor and he asked me what am I angry at? My answer was the guy who hit me and the resulting injuries that are affecting my entire lifestyle and are creating ongoing problems. Then yesterday Pastor was visiting and he asked the same question...What or who am I angry at? I gave him the same answer. Then he asked but who am I really mad at? I told him I am not mad at God for letting this happen to me. Of course, Pastor said that was a good Christian answer.
Here's the revelation...I'm angry at myself. Before I went into that shopping center, either God or his messenger angel was telling me to go straight home. Do not go into the shopping center. I heard it loud and clear and I ignored it! I ignored a message of God! Because I ignored that message I am now paying the consequences. However, in spite of ignoring His message, He still loved me and had a host of angels around me to protect me from death. I lived because of God's amazing grace and forgiveness. The question now is...Can I forgive myself?
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions" to the Lord -- and you forgave the guilt of my sin." Psalm 32:5
Indy has been with me for almost a week now. He is such a sweetie, except he is not housebroken. He is a rescue puppy from a puppy mill, so it will take time to train him since he is 18 months old already. He also is not use to being around people and my house has been grand central station. But he is adjusting pretty good as long as every one just leaves him alone and lets him take his time getting acclimated.
I've managed to get Hanna's quilt pressed and sandwiched together. I started quilting late this afternoon. I got about 1/3 done before my eyes started getting tired. Last night I made my 2 March Craftsy BOM and even got them posted today. Tuesday I put together a vest that was already cut out by one of the members of my church back in AZ. It was one of those preprinted panels. It was fun doing all the embellishments. Now in the line up is...finish Hanna's quilt, 2 Round Robin blocks, Jan-Mar Country Junktion Block of the month, 2 quilts for RWYS, 1 valor quilt & 1 comfort quilt for one of the ladies at my church in AZ. Oh, and 2 quilts for myself! And that's not even touching the UFO pile!
It's getting late and Indy is pawing at me which an indication in her dog language to get to bed!! Good night!